What to do if you're feeling a bit tired, but still fancy touching yourself up - by someone who would have absolutely no idea about that sort of thing.
- Think about some bosoms. Any kind of bosoms, whatever takes your fancy.
- Take a long walk down an old street or a busy road. Smile at all the people, while at the same time secretly plotting their inevitable demise and getting your rocks off.
- Play "Remote Roulette" by turning on your telly and flipping to random channels with your eyes crossed. Whoever's on the screen when you uncross your eyes is who you have to think about during the quick hand shandy.
- Drink a cup of tea.
- Have a cold shower, then switch to a warm shower. Then stick a finger up your bum.