'Compartmentalising friends' or 'How I learned to stop worrying and become a sick robot'
As a boy genius, I became good at many things. Acting, writing, f*cking. One thing I became very, very good at is cutting myself off from people almost completely.
Take, for example, the friends I made in America. Jim, Robin, Joseph... everyone I met over there, everyone who changed my life, everyone who made me feel happy to be me. I haven't talked to a single one of them since July 18th. I lived with these people for 3 months, I became a part of their family in some cases, I loved them.
And I just completely shut down as soon as I got back on English turf.
I do this a lot. It's not because I don't want these people to be a part of my life - I'm usually incredibly lonely and appreciate people talking to me - it's just that there's some part of me that makes it hard for me to keep these things up.
It's like when people ask me "how are you". I had to consciously train myself to ask them back. For years I would say "fine" and leave it at that. People thought I was rude, but it would just not occur to me that it was a question that was meant to be reciprocated.
I'm not good at being a friend, I guess. I compartmentalise everyone. The people I met in Falmouth are the people I met in Falmouth. I consider that chapter of my life closed, so they get filed away in the same "closed" folder. Same with people from America. People from High School. People in my own family, sometimes.
I don't like it about myself, and sometimes I'll try and bust the cycle, but it's hard. How do I explain to those people in America that I didn't mean to be a jackass and ignore them, but it just happened? That's a crappy reason.
Still, sometimes people from my past don't give up on me, which is nice. Sometimes they'll extend an olive branch, give me a call, shoot me an e-mail. Which is tremendously nice of them.
And I'm sure that one of these days I'll be able to respond.