If you can't stand my slightly-depressing introspection, don't read this post.
I went home this weekend to eat without worrying about cost, and to catch up with Mel and see the new flat. Plus it'd been a while since I'd travelled on a train, and we all know how much I love that.
Last time I went home I hadn't washed my everyday clothes in a while, so I had to wear guy stuff. It felt sucky. Pretty much all the clothing I wear nowadays conforms to my gender identity(girl stuff, obv.) and when I go back to man outfits the difference is obvious and I don't like it. I spent the first 19 years of my life not knowing how much better I felt wearing the 'right' clothes, so I thought everyone was meant to not really enjoy clothing. But now that I wear what I really want to, the baseline of comfort has changed, and going back to boxy t-shirts and flat-assed trousers is distressing.
This time when I went home I wore girl stuff. Mel was fine with it, because she's fine with this whole thing, but Mum definitely wasn't. Her eyes flickered down to my trousers when I first arrived, and although on saturday the top I was wearing was vaguely man-ly, the pink one I wore today was not. Once I'd gotten dressed she kept giving me worried looks, and I think at one point she went to the bathroom to cry.
Heaven knows I'm not the biggest fan of my mother, but making her cry is not top of my list of 'fun things to do of a Sunday'. The whole weekend it felt like there was an elephant in the room, but I don't know how to broach the topic. And the last time Mum asked me what was going on in my life we had an argument that led to me writing out suicide notes to all my friends and nearly taking a razor to my wrist(I guess I'm lucky in that I realise how selfish it is to kill yourself, since nothing else would've stopped me breaking the skin that day).
It's odd. I can be 'out and proud' to everyone in my life about my transsexualism. I answer questions, joke around, take advice on bras. I like to think of myself as refreshingly open and wry about the whole thing(at least compared to the stealth-TGs). But I have no idea how to talk about this with Mum. Her first son died, and I feel like telling her this would kill the second son too.
Still, I'm staying there for Christmas hols, so the topic will have to be broached sometime.