29/10/07 - 2
Because no front page is complete without a picture of me dyeing my hair.
29 October, 2007 - 20:31Comments (View)
29/10/07
How much fun was my sunday? Three metric craploads of fun, THATs how much. I was, naturally, pretty tired after my night of riding trains and cycling the backroads and highways of scary Southampton. Still, I managed to drag myself out of bed at 9:58, making me the earliest riser in my whole building, I would wager.
At this point I should probably tell you at this point where I was heading: Unicycle Hockey. I am told that to the outside observer, the combination of those two sports seems incredibly ridiculous, but after reading about it on various websites for a year and a half I was all to happy to take part. I was approached by the co-organiser(I think) in Subway(where else?) on wednesday. I'd gone in with my uniciycle(it's my main mode of transport) and four of the hockeyites were also there. It was weird seeing other unicycles, freaked me out a bit.
Anyway, onto today. The session was held at a school 3.7 miles away. It was suggested that I take the bus, but I don't like 'em so I uni-ed there instead. It was a pretty rainy day, and I soaked my jeans(thought ahead, packed a spare pair).
The activity itself was AMAZING. I was almost worn out after just ten minutes of chasing the tennis ball around the sports hall. We went at it for about an hour and a half, almost always moving, bumping into people, tripping over my own stick, slipping on a tight turn... for a sport with so many ways to quite badly hurt yeself, it's strangely safe.
I'm not a sports person, so was prepared to not do swimmingly. Still, I got a couple of good tackles in, and assisted a fair few goals. I definitely know that I'm a defender, not an attacker. Which is fine - I like the satisfaction of blocking someone's shot.
It was also a great venue to work on general unicycle skills - I'm getting to grips with idling and riding backwards(both pretty useful in uni-hockey) and working on it in the sports hall rather than on a pavement late at night(doing it during the day is annoying with all the civilians around).
I can't wait to go back next week.
29 October, 2007 - 01:28Comments (View)
28/10/07
I'm pretty exhausted. I just spent 24 hours with my big sister, and after the four hour train journey back to Southampton I decided to unicyle nearly 4 miles to make sure I knew where I needed to go tomorrow.
Did I mention that this was at 2 in the morning, on the night of the week most likely to see me hit by a drunk driver?
I have to be where I'm going(more detailed post after it happens, natch) for midday tomorrow. I was sweating how much sleep I'd get, but then I noticed my Mac's clock tick back an hour. I'd forgotten that - awesome!
28 October, 2007 - 02:19Comments (View)
24/10/07
As hard as it is to believe, I was getting a lot of spam in the comments sections of old posts. So as of today, comments are gone, thus marking another tentative step into this site becoming exactly the same as Garrett Murray's site.
It's not copying, it's just me slowly arriving at the same ideas he did months ago.
24 October, 2007 - 19:33Comments (View)
Annoyed at my course.
So today was stand-up day, something I'd been sweating the past 48 hours. I enjoy being up on stage, but the pre-amble - the learning of set, the fear of dying on my arse - reigns supreme and makes me... trepedatious.
Of course, today it turned out that that worry was all for nothing. Because due to our lecturer being late to the morning lesson, people running waaaay over their allotted 500 words for their monologues, another session of "limmerick making" and fucken red tape over our performance in two weeks, only half of the class got to perform their stuff today.
I naturally assumed that next week, then, my half will get to perform and they won't. To even things out and allow for more bureaucratic bullshit about what backdrop we want for our all important November 6th show. But no, not only do they get their rehearsal this week, but they get it next week as well. So when it comes to the actual performance I and everyone in my group will be disadvantaged - we won't have had as much opportunity to practice and try out our new stuff.
This sounds like me over-reacting to a deficit of only one rehearsal, but when there are only 3 rehearsals left before the big day, every chance to get on stage in front of a captive audience counts. Sure, the room is booked all day tuesday for us to practice, but there's usually no one else in there. Without an audience, a joke isn't a joke. It's a dude talking.
I wouldn't be nearly so pissed off if the people on stage today had made it worth it. But they didn't - it was nearly all the exact same(sometimes plagiarised) routines we'd seen the weeks before, oftentimes performed worse. I sat in the crowd seething - knowing that I had 5 entirely brand new minutes that I was desperate to test out.
Oh, and that's the other good news. Despite being told the importance of working on our 5 minutes since we started this course, we were told that (again as a result of too many students) we'll only get to perform 3 minutes on the night.
3 minutes is fuck all. And I am irritated beyond belief that all my hard work is going to get shaved down into a couple minutes.
Other people have taken a "what else were they supposed to do?" attitude. Well, there are two choices - either restrict the number of people on the course, provide alternate means of assessment so that the people who don't want to do stand-up don't have to(and there are some who don't) and therefore free up more time, or plan more performances, so we're not all crammed into the one night.
Not that I need to come up with these ideas, obviously. Because I am the customer in this scenario, and I am now being short-changed. Before I paid my £3000 I was led to believe that I would be getting two 5 minute performances in front of a large crowd this term. That's now been nearly cut in half.
Do I get some cash back, then? Course not.
Fucking university
Just grousing, still staying
24 October, 2007 - 00:30Comments (View)
And just like that...
A new post to my Comedy Journal that includes audio of my set. Ugh.
Still, you might wanna hear it, for sadism purposes, I guess.
Just kidding, it's great stuff.
20 October, 2007 - 21:06Comments (View)
Explaining the hiatus.
So I haven't posted for a while. I've read that there's it's passé to explain these types of things, but I don't really worry about irritating my 4 or 5 readers. I doubt anyone cares, to be honest.
I've not felt like writing the past few days, which is lame, because I have a bunch of writing stuff I should be doing for my course. I've been procrastinating by watching TV and going shopping.
I've also dyed my hair bright pink, because pink is great. Many people seem to think this makes me gay, which - no. Still love the ladies, even if they won't let me(which totally makes me sound like a rapist, doesn't it?).
At first I accessorised the pink hair dye with some pink eyeshadow, and then moved on to pink lip gloss and pink nail varnish. For the first few days of that I rationalised with "Pink is awesome!", but... let's just say that truly living alone for the first time has allowed me to explore some personal things that I haven't been able to before. Needless to say, the shopping has been a big part of that.
I feel like actually writing the words down might scare some people and cause some reactionary-ness. I just don't know how people will react. Maybe they won't even be shocked, who knows?
I'm gonna talk about this whole thing in my stand-up set in class on tuesday, and I'll upload the whole thing to my comedy journal the day after. I should be able to explain in speech what I find difficult in words. I think.
I hope I start posting here again, maybe with some lighter stuff. Kittens or something.
Thanks for sticking with me, anyway. Sorry for the ramble.
20 October, 2007 - 20:40Comments (View)
SuperGay
UPDATE - Turns out you can't see the sparkles in this shot. Which sucks. Bigtime.
I just went to TK Maxx and bought this awesome sparkley hoodie. Granted, I went in to get a jacket, maybe a cardigan, but when you see something this good, you can't pass it up. Right?
Also- Jesus Fuck how thin are my legs?
14 October, 2007 - 13:01Comments (View)
More crazy from the big crazy-bucket.
I got a Cineworld unlimited card yesterday. You pay £11.99 a month, and you can see as many movies as you want. I was in one of the theaters and heard someone say to their friend "Who would see that many movies?" I wanted to turn around and say "Actually - me. Really, you see two movies a month and it's paid for itself!"
But does it? I mean I certainly would go and see at least two films a month(there's a reason I studied Film at Falmouth last year) and as tickets are £6 each then anything after that would be 'free movies'. But at the same time, surely the card just reduces how much I pay to see each movie as I see more of them rather than cancelling out cost altogether. If I see 4 movies, it's £3 a ticket, 6 movies, £2 a ticket. I'm increasing the value, but I can't quite work out if I'm saving money. But at the same time, I obviously am saving money.
I'm sure any normal person would just go with the "two movies paid itself" thing, but I can't seem to let it lie. I guess part of it is the guilt over signing up for a direct debit to pay for the card. For some reason I feel bad about it, despite the fact that I see at least 5 films a month so it just makes sense to minimize that cost.
And of course, none of this factors in the cost of food at the multiplex. Jeez.
14 October, 2007 - 06:58Comments (View)
Lug it around, pick it up off the ground.
In between hellish lectures and seminars yesterday(anymore information I already know about Greek theatre and I may well scream) I journeyed to Argos to pick up a new chair.
It's really, REALLY nice. It's also really, REALLY heavy. It weighs as much as me - something I didn't take into account as I stood at the desk in Argos, expecting to be able to carry it in one arm as I unicycled home.
After being given a dis-believing look by the assistant lady, I chained up the unike and started carrying the enormous chair-box home powered by feet.
I'm not kidding when I said it was heavy. I had to take rests every 20 feet, and at one point I gouged a hole in the side so that I could drag it across the busy SHampton streets. The box broke where I gouged it, though, which made things worse, obviously.
Cut to me nearly at breaking point - pushing the box across the ground, a few inches at a time. I gave up and nearly started crying at how ridiculously difficult this was, but some random student guy asked if I needed a hand. I don't like to accept help, but I took his. He and I got it the last few hundred yards to the door.
Thank God the lift was working in Chantry, or the chair would still be downstairs, I'll tell you that much.
It was worth it all, though, because the chairs that came with this room(currently stored in my wardrobe) were God-awful to sit on for extended periods of time. This piece of loveliness is just wonderful to relax in.
And it looks nifty, too.
13 October, 2007 - 08:06Comments (View)
RE: Vandalism to 3rd floor yellow section toilet.
"It has been reported that, late yesterday evening, a toilet cistern was ripped form(sic) the wall in 3rd yellow section. This has caused considerable flooding and damage to associated pipework. Whilst we are doing all we can to repair the toilet, it will be out of service for at least 24 hours."12 October, 2007 - 08:03Comments (View)
Yet another redesign.
Yep, I couldn't hold off any longer. After making the comedy journal site earlier I felt that this place was ugly and horrible. This is much more in line with what I want. There's also something of a consistent style between this and the journal, now.
I'm still not happy - this place is way too cluttered. But I'm torn, as losing the things that clutter this place up(the links to my web 2.0 accounts, comments, detailed explanations of when posts were posted) would render pointless the hard work I made implementing them.
Then again, I have like 2 readers nowadays, so this doesn't really matter. I gotta start giving those postcards out.
11 October, 2007 - 07:41Comments (View)
"Dizzy Typing"
I just finished setting up "Dizzy Typing". For my course we have to write a journal to keep track of our progress. I figured I'd do it on the net since I'm so gosh darned good at that.
You can hit it up at kyle-hayes.co.uk/comedy. There's just the one(long) post up at the moment. There'll probably be about one a week, co-inciding with my performance classes.
I may type some material up there. It is uncertain.
10 October, 2007 - 21:38Comments (View)
Do you know who started the fi-yah?!
Earlier we had our mandatory once-yearly fire drill here at Chantry Halls of Residences for Students that go to Southampton Solent University and have Paid to Live in Halls of Residences or are going to pay Soon for their Residence in the Halls.
I was asleep when the horrifying alarm went off, wearing only my boxers. I stumbled around for a bit and managed to grab my trousers and a shirtacular arangement, but no socks. I like to think it made me look like I didn't give a shit. But it probably just made me look like a hobo.
As we all flocked to the stairs I thought "Hah, I'll press the button for the lift and wait for it hilariously" but there were problems with this idea - 1)No one here knows me and would think I was just an idiot and 2)staying inside a possibly burning building for the sake of a joke is stupid.
Still, I was turning this over in my mind when we reached the elevator and I saw people actually get in it. Worse still, they were absolutely cramming the small space with bodies. I mean fucking christ, it's only three floors you stupid cunts.
After the fun of waiting outside and then being told it was a drill, the guys and gals on my floor started getting ready for the night out - some fancy dress event somewhere. There were females shrieking up and down the corridor, so I poked my head out to what it was all about - there was a comely lass dressed as a playboy bunny. Another cliché for the cliché board, Baldrick.
Shitting Jesus, I really fucking hate students.
08 October, 2007 - 22:14Comments (View)
And never stop.
On occasion I used to work in the cigarette kiosk at a supermarket. I was pretty good at it, all told, bar a few nasty experiences. Three come to mind, specifically, but I'm only going to talk about one of them today.
I was serving three women(early 20s - I'd say "girls" but that seems misogynistic) one evening. It was a friday, and they were loading up on fags(cigarettes, for the American audience) for a night out. They were hot stuff(although I'd never in a million years do the sex with them - smoker rule) and knew it, wearing the self-satisfied I'm-attractive-and-having-fun-you're-ugly-and-working-at-Somerfield smile that I'd seen so many other chicks(and I don't say 'chicks') wear.
James Hewitson brushed past me to re-fill the drinks. I used to think that I was hilarious at work(nope) and would often try various fake-mean jokes to make people laugh. This night, I decided to go with "Don't touch me!", aimed at the self-same stock monkey that had done just that a few seconds ago.
I wasn't too confident with it, though, or couldn't be arsed with joking around. I'm not sure, but for some reason I muttered, instead of spoke. Kept my head down, instead of turning and addressing James directly. And as I scanned a pack of Marlboro's for the red-head in front of me, all she heard was "... touch me..."
Her eyes went wide. She turned to the two girls she was with. They hadn't heard it, so she kept quiet - not wanting to make a scene, I guess. They left, and it took me a few minutes of pondering the sudden look of fear on her face before I realised - and my face burned scarlet.
She was a regular customer, and often came in with her boyfriend. I don't think she told him about it, because he never had a problem buying things at my till, though she would always find an excuse to wander off- not wanting to spend any time near the sex-predator, I guess.
I couldn't think of a way to explain things - anything I could say would just make things more creepy, probably. Eventually, it had gone so long that saying something would make it even more weird. She even came in on my last day at the market, and I contemplated speaking to her, straightening the whole thing out - but I couldn't do it. Too chicken.
The only thing I can console myself with is that I was only young, and it was just an innocent mistake. Well, that and the fact that there's gotta be at least a good 45 second story for the stand-up set in there.
06 October, 2007 - 21:57Comments (View)
Okay, this seriously isn't working.
I'm not okay with living in halls anymore. It seems that the past 5 days I've been in here, the room next to mine had been undergoing improvements and was un-occupied. Aside from the occasional sound of building work, and the noises from upstairs(walking, hammering into the floor) I live a relatively quiet existence.
Well, earlier the new girl moved in. A fact I learned when she started playing loud hip-hop on her tinny laptop speakers, singing along badly to said hip-hop(and with a time delay to boot) and having booming conversations over her mobile phone. Which played more loud, tinny hip-hop every time it rang.
Quarter of an hour ago, her boyfriend turned up. Choice quotes from the last 15 minutes include "Fuck me harder!" and "Your dick always feels good in me." Plus her bed bangs against the wall when the action is happening. And it's not consistent either, he'll apparently go like a jackhammer for ten seconds then stop for a bit. Recharging, I guess.
He just got a phonecall. They're heading out. She's complaining that his dick felt good and she wants more. His response? "Whenever I tell you I'm in a rush you're always looking to take time!"
I shouldn't be able to hear these things.
04 October, 2007 - 23:10Comments (View)
Sometimes Jesus gives you things to write about.
My lecturer didn't turn up today, so after waiting half an hour with the rest of my class, I left as I had more important things to do(browse the internet, unicycle around like a self-important jackass). I have a feeling that a guy I saw in the building as I was leaving was the Professor turning up late and befuddled. Well, I waited 15 minutes more than I should have. I don't like my time being wasted. It was perfectly right for me to leave early, first lesson or no.
So after riding round like a jackass(as mentioned) I hopped(paid for) a train to Wareham. I had to sign 'n' send a letter to the Student Loan People to get my money(which should arrive in a few days! Hooray!) and I thought I'd do my laundry whilst I was there. And I stole some food from me Mam(it's not really stealing, she totally said I could have it.)
On the trip back I got into a carriage filled with city worker guys on their way to Bournemouth. They were loud, and kind of obnoxious, but they're rich and I'm not, so I kept my stupid serf mouth shut. Besides, I had my iPod.
I heard fragments of their conversation; something about a conference, not being able to take your own drinks... Next thing I know, they're all bustling past me to get off at Bournemouth and one of them says "Hey kid, do you want some beer?" and drops a Carlsberg box onto the seat beside me. I didn't even have time to react before they were all gone.
I looked around and peeked inside - 9 cans. Full. For free. How odd.
For anyone else, this would be a fantastic occurrence. But I don't drink alcohol. So what the hell do I do? I'm Jewish(that's a lie) so I couldn't just leave them there. So there's now 9 cans of lager in my wardrobe that I'm never going to drink, but that I'm too stingy to give away.
I have toyed with leaving them in the communal kitchen here in halls, but I feel like one dude would just take them all, and that's not fair.
What to do?
04 October, 2007 - 01:44Comments (View)
Disturbingness.
It seems that I'm popular with uh... I don't want to say 'peadophiles'. But I think they might be peadophiles. That video that shows my bum for a few brief seconds? It's been viewed 783 times, and someone left a comment earlier discussing the virtues of my posterior. It's been favourited 15 times - all by users who have favourited a a large number of videos where young men appear naked.
I don't know whether to be flattered or intensely creeped out. Either way, it's all my fault.
02 October, 2007 - 09:26Comments (View)
My course is amazing.
Today we spent 4 hours learning the basics of writing a good gag.
I'm just going to leave it at that, because I know you're all jealous.
01 October, 2007 - 18:13Comments (View)