Hi, my name is Ray, and on yesterday my daughter called me.
Yesterday was shaving day - a weekly event that banishes follicles from most of my body, or at least the parts I can be bothered to reach.
I don't want to get all icky and gross(especially don't think about anything above the knees and below the waist, readers) but I managed to rack up a total of 12 cuts to my epidermis during the marathon session.
Admittedly, I am not as practiced at fine bladework as others may be(having habitually shaved my face only once a month since I was 17). Still - how have we gone 2,000 years(at least - read your Bibles) without developing a better system of removing hair than slicing it off and waiting for it to grow back?
There are other ways, sure, but they're either rubbish(Immac cream, home waxing) or prohibitively expensive(pro waxing, lasers, electrolysis). We need a cheap, practical method for the common person.
Preferably one that doesn't leave me bleeding all over the bath.
29 February, 2008 - 06:33Comments (View)
Great things.
- Meeting with the head honcho at [place of employment] went great. He was understanding of my situation(re: my chromosomes) and can't forsee any problems - although he'll ring his Honchos to check, and get back to me. As it is, he'll be glad to have me back for Easter and Summer.
- I also brought up the 'I need to eat' pay issue, and he seemed troubled and promised to look into that too - today. Which, after two and a half weeks of 'we haven't heard anything', was re-assuring.
- I brainstormed this morning and came up with 4(count 'em - 4) topics for posts for the next few days, which hopefully means I won't repeat mistakes.
28 February, 2008 - 10:53Comments (View)
Ripped from today's headlines.
Q - Why do penguins carry fish in their beaks?
Um, I dunno... because they haven't got any pockets?
A - Because they haven't got any pockets.
Wait... that's the 'joke'? Seriously? I know that Penguin bars are known and ridiculed for their tendency to include some of the world's worst puns on their packaging, but that's not even a bad pun, it's just a logical statement. Penguins went through a period of putting straight up facts on the back, but this doesn't even fall into that category either - it's just a logical statement.
Statements ain't entertainment, yo.
If I walked up to you and said "Why can't I fly a fighter jet? Because I lack the appropriate training and abilities" you wouldn't laugh, and you certainly wouldn't learn anything. I would be wasting your time. And that is what today's Penguin bar did. It wasted my (clearly very valuable) time.
27 February, 2008 - 19:00Comments (View)
No hugging, no learning.
Me, twenty-four hours ago.
"Man, I've left it really late again. Okay, just write this entry and go to sleep, and then write tomorrow's entry as soon as possible. You don't want to get caught in this situation again - ideas flow fine when you've got all the time in the world, but pressure gums up those creative cogs but good. So just do it early in the morning. You have people to not let down."
Me, twelve minutes ago.
"Shit"
To be fair, I have been at least a little productive today, working on a website for a certain Southampton comedy night. And working on the wall. Which makes sense to one person.
26 February, 2008 - 23:41Comments (View)
At those parties the booze ran out a long time ago.
Okay, so I may have spent the entire day in bed, in an effort to correct my sleeping pattern. Some may notice that I am posting this entry at midnight, so it would be fair to wager that today's efforts have failed. Again.
I missed a lesson today, and will miss another one tomorrow, and most likely the one on wednesday, because [place of work] won't give me the money I earned two months ago. I like University. I like lessons. I am liking [place of work] less and less everyday, and I didn't even like them much to begin with.
Still, at least once I get my money from them I'll be able to talk about doing some shifts over Easter, and have the awkward conversation that my transition will create. I've been going in guy-mode during the money-quest(5 seconds of "we've not heard back yet" being totally worth how much it sucks to have to be Kyle again), but 'full-time' means working as a chick.
I'm still not sure if I'm allowed to say 'chick'. 'Woman' and 'girl' seem like I have ideas above my station, if that makes sense?
25 February, 2008 - 23:51Comments (View)
Not true, at all.
"With soft, toothless gums to defend himself, he's tethered in terror and then the cruel sport of bear baiting begins"
Sorry, but have you seen bears? They are fucking massive, and can knock your head off with one quick swipe. If a bear manages to get itself caught it can't really be that good at being a bear.
I don't think I'll mind if all the bears in the world go extinct because of bear baiting. Anything that decreases my chances of getting ambushed by a grizzly whilst I'm strolling through the forest gets a solid thumbs up from me.
Maybe the threat of bear baiting will finally stop that Yogi cunt from stealing my picker-nick basket.
24 February, 2008 - 23:57Comments (View)
No post, just a good link.
http://numblr.nostrich.net/post/27058418
23 February, 2008 - 23:18Comments (View)
I take good pictures sometimes.
22 February, 2008 - 23:10Comments (View)
It's a funny thing, this false love.
In a slight(meaning in terms of size, not sameness) continuation of yesterday's post, I find it a little sad that Gwilym Cuthbert has created something I can never hope to equal in terms of honesty, eloquence and beauty.
I kid, of course. What a pile of crap. No offence, man.
"The Gwilym Cuthbert Experience" is of course a fantastic name for a musical endeavour. It doesn't quite beat "Breast-Fed Yoda", but it's up there.
I'm on a train right now(no, this will not herald the return of 'train week'), which is why this post is composed mainly of these short paragraphs. If one can even call them that. Like most of my train usage anticipates nowadays, I'm heading home for the weekend hoping to sort out the back-pay that Somerfield owes me so that I can do cool stuff like eat, and pay rent. Y'know - the kind of thing my peers pressure me to do.
(There are also a pair of Ugg boots waiting for me to try them on in Wareham, but I'm going back purely for the money issue, I assure you. I'm not that ridiculous. I don't even like shoes that much. Honest.)
21 February, 2008 - 23:06Comments (View)
Missed the meeting at the second jump-site.
That would be meeting Daryl, at the library. And let that be the end of me discussing post titles in the first line of the post. And let it also be the end of naming readers by name.
Just got back from "Be Kind Rewind", which I saw with Ti- wait, reader. I sam the film with a person. End of. Although at one point the number of films the three protagonists re-create each day becomes absurd(who, beside Veronica Mars, has that kind of time?) it got me thinking about my own experiments in video.
Recently I've been taking a lot of pictures - getting some use out of my fairly expensive camera, justifying the purchase I made almost a year ago. I also discovered my old videocamera, and some tapes lying around. I hope to find the cable I need and upload them. Watching them made me remember, at least a little bit, the passion for filmmaking that led me to Falmouth a year and a half ago.
Ze Frank was one guy. He made 3 minutes of funny, insightful, meaningful video every weekday for a year.
I'm on a comedy course with 25 people. We have the equipment. We have the ideas. God knows we have the time. Why aren't we doing more?
20 February, 2008 - 23:23Comments (View)
Okay, let's just call it a 'holiday'.
Everyone's allowed one, after all.
How's about a new video?
19 February, 2008 - 22:16Comments (View)
I am an asshole.
Click for bigger
The original image.
12 February, 2008 - 05:29Comments (View)
About. Or thereabouts.
"AveryEdison.com" is the current version of Avery Edison's website. It has, in the past, been titled "VSNG Newsgroup", ""I wank daily", "I wash daily", "i wank daily"(again), "KyleHayes.co.uk", "No Tagline", the embarrassing "Watch Genius Grow", and then back to "No Tagline".
Designs for the site have changed on a month-to-month basis over the past few years, although this rate of change has since slowed down. Incidentally, the current design is the first to take Internet Explorer into account - you should be able to see this website as originally intended no matter how you look at it.
This site has approximately 50 regular readers, adding a couple every week or so. They range from old friends, to current friends, to random strangers from around the world. They used to be able to comment on posts, but that got scrapped. It might be coming back.
Most importantly, this site is a place where I document the state my mind is in, hopefully on a daily basis. Sometimes that means reams of text, or an image, or a simple list of some kind. I try and make it entertaining, as I try to be so in all things I do.
If you're confused, you can read every post in chronological order. Although that might make you more confused.
A lot of the old 'about' post no longer really applies, but it's gonna be kept there for posterity. For a quick look at who I am nowadays, I can recommend reading the old about page, then my first post addressing my transsexuality and then the official 'coming out' post. Think of those three posts as an Avery-Edison-starter-pack.
For the regular readers of this site, this post has been a waste. You new guys better appreciate that.
11 February, 2008 - 03:37Comments (View)
Three days behind. Time for short posts.
I noticed something whilst perusing everything this blog has to offer - I use the word 'honest' 26 times, usually with the phrase "to be honest".
I think that means I'm the most honest person of all.
10 February, 2008 - 02:13Comments (View)
Things that I do, without fail, every single day.
-Try to put a t-shirt on whilst wearing my glasses.
-Forget to open the window and let fresh air in, thus ensuring a stuffy room to return to.
-Dry my hair to vigorously and hurt my various piercings.
-Jump my way down all the stairs, like I'm doing parkour.
-Drink caffeine.
-Forget to update this site.
-Neglect to write down jokes I think of.
-Listen to Daft Punk's "Harder Better Faster" on continuous loop.
-Ditto Panic at the Disco's new single.
-Sleep either too much or too little. No middle ground.
-Scramble to once more fix the power cable on my laptop.
-Eat chocolate.
09 February, 2008 - 02:26Comments (View)
For sale: One eraser, slightly damaged.
(Click for bigger)
And by 'slightly damaged' I do of course mean 'cut up and assembled into a squadron-ised Eraser Army'.
08 February, 2008 - 02:44Comments (View)
A suggestion.
Hey, want to have your soul destroyed by watching an endless fucking parade of beautiful genetic females that you can never even hope to measure up to?
Go clubbing.
07 February, 2008 - 14:56Comments (View)
My brilliant plan.
I swear that the plan really was to go and see 'Sweeney Todd' tonight. I wasn't particularly psyched for it, but all the people I've talked to about it have given it rave reviews, in spite of their initial doubts. So I was hoping to go and be impressed.
I took an hour and a half getting ready. With a limited wardrobe it's hard to come up with a consistent, co-ordinated and fresh outfit, and I like to try on lots of clothes in various combinations. Then there's the make-up to do, clearly. The joke goes the a 'basic look' for a woman is foundation, powder, eyeliner, mascara, eye shadow and lip gloss. 'Natural' indeed. That's pretty much everything that goes onto my face before I go out, with a few extras. Moisturiser(to keep the powder from looking dusty - male skin is not so good at blending), eye primer(an attempt to combat the lid-hiding effects of the larger brow), and an extra layer of foundation and powder on my top lip(guess why). Then there's hair to manage. Sideburns to suddenly remember, and shave. Then conceal.
All told, I think cutting my prep-time to ninety minutes is impressive.
I'd been dying my hair today, and had to do it twice(and it's still not perfick) which left me low on time. By the time I was all finished, I had fifteen minutes to make it to the cinema, which is a fine amount of time for the job. I sat down to quickly last-minute-check Facebook(have to whenever I leave the room) and, while the page refreshed, my tongue absently played with my lip piercing.
I noticed the it was looser than usual, and when I pulled my tongue away, the bar came with it. Which meant the ball had fallen off of the end. Which isn't good.
I scanned my lap - not there, not was it down the sides of my chair(although there are a lot of crumbs there, which is gross). It had to be somewhere on the dark-blue floor. I looked frantically, the minutes ticking away. After quarter of an hour, I resigned myself to the fact the I would not be seeing a film tonight, and got heavy duty on the search.
I pulled over a desk lamp. Used the torch on my phone. Moved around furniture to look behind tables. I even had to dig through my bin, in case it landed there. It didn't, but it turns out there's been a piece of cheese in there for three days.
Finally, I gave up. I knew that I couldn't keep the bar in overnight without the ball keeping it secured - I would be in danger of swallowing it. I could take the hoop from one of my ears, but then that hole would heal overnight. So it came to a choice - ear, or lip. Which piercing did I want to lose?
But then, a flash of inspirado. I saw my camera on the shelf, and came up with a brilliant plan.
To be continued...
06 February, 2008 - 23:21Comments (View)
Thoughts on 'Cloverfield' (Mild spoilers, although the trailer gives away more)
- The trailers included 'Iron Man', which gave me chills
- Speaking of trailers, I'm still very excited for 'Jumper'
- The chick I bought my ticket from didn't check the picture on my unlimited card, so I was robbed of the opportunity to see how well I passed. Bitch.
- The prices for food and drink has gone up. Again.
- Annoyingly, 'Star Trek' had a fantastically ominous trailer too.
- Coming out of the cineplex I saw Luke, who'd been to see something else. Which was cool.
Okay, on to the film itself.
- We saw the monster too much.
- Human beings are, apparently, invincible.
- Oh, 9/11 happened. Just so you know.
- The hand-held aspect was in no way annoying. Serious.
- 20-somethings in Manhatten are idiots. Fact.
- I cannot spell 'Manhattan'.
- The 'lesbian' from 'Mean Girls' is still working!
- Calling the cameraman character 'Hud'(Heads-Up Display) was hacky.
- The head exploding was too much.
- If I had seen it in America, people would have clapped at the end. In England, it gets nothing.
- It was a really good film. I don't think I shall ever want to see it again, unless I am with other people and I can have fun watching them react to it.
Tomorrow I see 'Sweeney Todd'. Yes, finally.
05 February, 2008 - 23:23Comments (View)
Just in case there were any doubters...
I just cried whilst reading a book written for adolescent girls.
So, yeah.
Oh, and on an un-related-but-similarly-literary note, I am an arsehole for being alive almost twenty years and not reading The Catcher in the Rye until recently. Why didn't someone tell me, for pete's sake?
04 February, 2008 - 00:08Comments (View)
But it would be nice if it would, just once in a while.
Yesterday I went to Wareham to visit the family, steal some food, and attempt to sort out a pay error with Somerland. I've been running a little low on money(cash flow issues, I assure you) and just bought a cheap day return ticket from the machine. I like using the machine because I don't have to talk to anyone(hence no low voice to spoil things) but the machine will never give me the open return that I need to leave saturday, come back sunday. Not that I could have afforded one.
Going back today, I tried to buy a single to Southampton at Wareham station, but it looks like my Egg card(yes, I've seen the news; no, I'm not worried) has reached it's limit, and I couldn't afford the new ticket. Fine - I'd just dodge the fare. For the first time, I might add, in my two decades of existence.
As soon as the train left Wareham the guard appeared in my carriage asking for tickets from Wareham. I had very quickly divested myself of jacket and scarf and curled up in the seat, with a book close to my face and earbuds in. I looked settled, and he walked right past me. Nice.
I thought I was home free(literally), until we pulled into Sotton station and I remembered the ticket barriers. Argh. I tried my luck(pointless at this stage - looks like my luck ran out a fair while ago) but the barrier just spat the ticket out and wouldn't let me through. I took it to the lady manning the manual gate, because sometimes you can flash your ticket and they'll let you through. No dice - she took it out of my hand and told me it wasn't the right one. I acted confused and said that it should be an open return, but she simply told me to go to platform 4 and buy an upgrade.
I went to the loos(disabled ones required a key, so I got to go into the mens loos, which wasn't embarrassing at all) and tried to figure it out. I couldn't afford to buy an upgrade. There was no way past the ticket barriers. I looked around for a window to climb through - nothing.
I waited until another train arrived with a load of people, planning to blend in with the crowd and join the some of them who would go through the manual gate, but the guard saw me waiting on the platform, and would have been suspicious had I followed through. There are times when having conspicuous pink hair sucks. I'm totally switching back to blonde.
I went to the guard, explained my predicament(again adding the 'confused' bit in) and he seet about buying me an upgrade. I told him I wasn't sure the card would go through, and he said not to worry - the machine isn't hooked up to the bank. There were a couple minutes when it looked like it hadn't worked, but it was just a printing error. The transaction went through, putting my Egg into the red, and costing me a twelve pound overdrawal fee most likely, and I got my upgrade.
The guard yelled to the other guy standing by the gate to, quote, "Let the gentleman through" which made me wince as a group of youths nearby burst out laughing. I know I'll never see them again, most likely, but that was pretty humiliating.
So my dreams of committing the perfect crime were dashed. Almost any other station in the country and I'd have been fine, but stupid southampton has to have bloody barriers, doesn't it.
I blame Thatcher. I bloody do.
03 February, 2008 - 20:16Comments (View)
What have I done today?
Why, I have perused The Top 50 Albums of 2007 and downloaded the following:
-Tegan and Sara :: The Con
-Of Montreal :: Hissing Fauna, Are You the Destroyer
-Modest Mouse :: We Were Dead Before the Ship Even Sank
-Les Savy Fav :: Let's Stay Friends
-Dan Deacon :: Spiderman of the Rings
-Daft Punk :: Alive 2007
-Bright Eyes :: Cassadaga
-Arcade Fire :: Neon Bible
And what have you done today?
02 February, 2008 - 18:39Comments (View)
I am good at spending money.
I have a whole bunch of DVDs lined up against my wall, and I haven't watched a single one of them in months. Literally. Months. Most of them I watched once and then kept... why? Same with my comic books. Most of them will also sit on my shelf or languish in boxes, unread.
I've got a suitcase full of clothes I'll never wear again. Folders full of 'important' documents that ceased to be important years ago. It occurs to me that although it only took one car trip to move me into this tiny little dorm room, it would probably take a lot more than that now(a side-effect of being only a short train-ride from home - you keep bringing more stuff back).
This isn't me saying that I'm going to get rid of all this stuff. Although that would be lovely in a protagonist-overcomes-obstacle/fatal-flaw classic way, that just plain ain't gonna happen. I'm just acknowledging that my fiendish persuit of 'things' over the last 19 years isn't really that healthy.
I'll tell you one thing for free - USAvery(which works so much better than AmeriKyle) was really good at staying in control of my consumption. I went there with a 1 suitcase, 1 shoulder bag. I left with 1 suitcase, 1 shoulder bag.
01 February, 2008 - 19:25Comments (View)