It's the last day of the month. (Part One)
I think. I mean, it's not a leap-year, right?
So today I was hoping to write an interesting post, as opposed to one of my usual, b*llsh*t "here is what i did today duuuuuuuur" posts.
I was just starting on it, though, and Jack arrived for our 'night out'. I had to leave this entry behind. Here's what happened.
First we drove to Dave's house to pick him up. I hadn't seen Dave in six months, so I was looking forward to it. Usually we give him a ring on his mobile once we're near his house, but my phone was out of credit, so I went right up to the door and knocked.
I hate knocking on people's doors.
Dave screamed as if I was a murder and opened the door, revealing an entire family gathered in the hallway to look at me. Suddenly I was fielding questions from boht of Dave's parents, whilst also defending myself from his older brother attaching himself to my hat.
Dave managed to escape the maelstrom and headed towards Jack's car, with me still trapped at the doorway. I made some comment about 'returning him in safe condition' and extricated myself from the situation.
Back in the car, we were suddenly confronted with the decision of what to do. We hadn't made any plans other than a vague 'let's go to Poole'. We decided to head to the beach first, and work from there.
Jack parked in a disabled space(c'mon, it's closer to the beach, guys!) and we stepped out into the unrelenting wind and rain. Although it was dark, I did have my light-up frisbee, so we headed towards the sand. Jack took my bottle of cherry coke and slammed it into the ground, then uncapped it with his teeth, spraying the contents upward in a geyser of froth. I probably should have taken this as a sign that he was a little too excited.
We tried playing frisbee, but it was far too windy, so we eventually ended up just throwing the disc up into the air and letting the wind take it a few hundred yards down the coast. Jack had decided to be a tw*t, so spent the time trying to tackle or otherwise hit me, or throwing the disc miles away and saying 'have fun Kyle'.
Sometimes Jack isn't fun to be around.
Dave and Jack then suggested that we go up a dark hill. Awesome. No one ever dies that way. I was outvoted, so up we went, with no murder ensuing, but with us arriving a mile away from the car. We slowly trudged backed to the disabled spot, and chose our next activity on the way.
28 February, 2007 - 17:00Comments (View)
The new design is live!
Gaze in wonder at the comments! The RSS feed! The tags! The.. pretty!
This thing has taken me a while, and I'm really proud of it. I hope that it'll encourage me to write some quality posts in the coming months, in amongst all the moaning!
I wish I could write a long post right now, but I've been spending the last three or four hours putting the final touches on this place, so I'm a bit typed-out. I'm sure when it becomes the 28th I'll put some new stuff up.
Anywho, please to try out the various features. If there are any regular readers, please feel free to announce yourself in the 'comments' section of this post. I'td be a nice boost to my self-esteem to know there are people out there reading this stuff!
27 February, 2007 - 16:58Comments (View)
The World Famous 'American Dad Drinking Game'.
It turns out from looking at my referrer logs that a lot of you come here looking for an 'American Dad drinking game', which I mentioned in a post to my diary a few weeks back. I gave a rough glance at the rules, but I figured since people keep coming here for it, I should provide a clearer version.
Therefore, I present - The American Dad Drinking Game(Kyle Hayes version)
My friend Jack and I played this game with shots of JD from eggcups, but you can of course use any alcoholic drink, and hopefully you'll use classier methods of holding it. Eggcups rock, sure, but you don't want a machine printed Peter Rabbit silently judging you from the side of the cup. I would also recommend you try shots of beer(full beer glass, not a shot glass), since that'll get you drunk faster.
Okay, so here are the rules:
1 - Every time you see or hear a racial slight onscreen, take a shot.
In most episodes, this guarantees that you take at least two or three shots. Some episodes have a more racially charged atmosphere, however, and can get you really drunk, really fast. Season one's 'Roger Codger' is good for 9-10 shots, as are both of the 'Stan of Arabia' episodes. The real score is to be had, however, with the episode 'Homeland Insecurity'. We'd run out of booze by the time we got to this one, but counted upwards of 40 opportunities to take a shot. Awesome.
Remember - 'a racial slight' means anything that can be perceived as an example of a negative stereotype or spoken, implied and passive-aggressive slur against a specific group of people based on the colour of their skin or the nation of their birth. This is true for all of Stan's activities against his Iranian neighbours, and their offensive comment about their previous, black, neighbours.
The best yardstick to go by is - If Oprah would take offence to it, you should probably take a shot.
2 - Every time Klaus says something, take a shot.
Klaus is a fantastic creation and everything that comes out of his mouth is gold. To recognise this, we take a shot every time he speaks. However, this rule is variable depending on how many people are in the scene. If the only person on screen is Klaus, or Klaus and just one other person, take only one shot for that entire scene. However, if there are more people present, every time it's Klaus' turn in the conversation you can have a drink.
This gets even more iffy in the episode 'Bullocks to Stan', where Klaus provides Director's Commentary in a fight sequence. Here, I'd recommend two shots, for the two distinct groups of speech that Klaus utters.
3 - Every time you see an American flag, take a shot for your country.
The theme of relentless patriotism is somewhat apparent in American Dad, and flags are placed prominently throughout the show. Therefore, every time you see Old Glory, take a shot and remember how lucky you are to live in a nation where blah blah blah....
Remember, once you see a flag, you can't drink for that flag again until the next episode. This is to stop some idiot from falling into a drunken coma after taking a shot every time he sees Stan's lapel-flag.
The rules can be a little confusing at first, especially once you involve alcohol and discover that keeping track of Klaus' sentences and which flags you've seen before can be a bit tricky, but remember the golden rule - if you get confused: take a shot.
Have fun, and please drink responsibly.
24 February, 2007 - 16:57Comments (View)
About this site, and the author.
This site is written and maintained by Kyle Hayes, as the URL handily implies.
For years(two of 'em) Kyle held ambitions of becoming a famous film director. With university quashing that interest in a swift fashion, Kyle quickly becamse a shiftless drop-out, lounging around his flat for three months and living off his student loan.
After his Aunt became concerned about his malaise, she gave him a ticket to America, where he stayed for 3 months, having many adventures, which will be re-told heer, in due time.
America changed Kyle, and made him a much better person. He is now ready for University, and returns to formal education in a few weeks.
The site has gone through 10 designs in half as many months. This is because Kyle is a fickle human being who enjoys experimenting with his web-site. You can probably expect to see this thing running Ruby on Rails with a black-and white design next month!
Kyle does not code this site with Internet Explorer in mind, because IE does not support web standards. Kyle writes code that is compliant with CSS and PHP validation guidelines. If that manages to display properly in IE, fine. If it doesn't, fine. Kyle recommends Firefox for a fully featured browser experience.
Kyle can be contacted at kyle@kyle-hayes.co.uk , or alternatively, leave a comment on any of his posts. Offers of sexual favours are appreciated, and encouraged.
24 February, 2007 - 16:52Comments (View)
I have a whining personality.
I've just spent a couple of hours packing away most of my stuff. All I have left is all the kitchen stuff(since I'll need to eat until sunday) and my computer set-up(which I don't have any boxes for. Yet.)
It's beginning to hit me that I'm leaving this place behind. I didn't feel anything in particular when I was packing all my stuff up, but now I'm relaxing on my sofa it's sinking in. I'll probably feel worse when I'm back in Dorset, with all my stuff packed into Mum's garage, and me cramped up in the Funnel Web. Truth is, it might be a couple of months before I have enough money saved to get my own place, and those couple of months aren't going to be much fun, what with the constant working and living under Mum's roof once again.
Everything that's happening right now is a real blow to my feeling of independence. It was great living on my own, sorting things out for myself(and, most of the time, for Jack too). Now I have to go back to a situation where I'm not in control of many variables, and where I can't do whatever I want.
I really hope something happens that means I can get my own place sooner rather than later. I don't know what that would be, really, aside from some sort of huge cash windfall, which isn't likely. I don't even play the lottery. I really hope I don't have to work at Somerfield too long, either. I mean, I'm good at the job. Really good. But it's not challenging, or stimulating or fun. I don't know what else I could do, though, based on my lack of qualifications.
This all sounds self-pitying, but I don't really feel that bad. I mean, if I have to, at some point in my life, get into huge amounts of debt and have no prospects, I would most definitely choose now. I mean, I don't have anyone depending on me, and this age is probably the most potential-filled time I'm ever going to have in my life. Being young means you can afford to make mistakes, which is lucky, because I've made
a few.
I'm certain that in 6-12 months, I'll look back on all this and laugh from the top of my empire. Which will be awesome.
23 February, 2007 - 16:49Comments (View)
Britney Spears is insane.
Which I think is totally awesome. I mean, not only has she totally copied my shaved-head look, but she's in and out of rehab like Kurt Cobain and taking umbrellas to Jeeps like there's no tomorrow. I can't wait until she goes on Oprah or some crap once she's all better and talks about how stardom ruined her life.
In other news, tomorrow will be my last day alone up here in Penryn(I will be here saturday and sunday, but so will Mum and Melody). I still haven't cancelled my phone, council tax or electricty, so I should probably do that tomorrow, as well as setting up postal service redirection.
I left these things so late mainly because of my fear of the telephone. I have a hard time hearing what people say on the phone(despite having better-than-average hearing in general) and get nervous. I guess I enjoy face-to-face interaction in general, as I don't like to use instant messaging either, despite being great at it.
Hm, some people might wonder what I mean by saying I'm 'great' at IMing. Well, I mean not only do I type like a demon(I learned touch-typing the natural way - 7 years of straight internet use) but I can consistently come out with funny lines and asides. I think people should really make a conscious effort to get better at IMing. People tend to treat it as a regular conversation, but with more abbreviations, when it's really more than that. IMing is a boredom killer, really, and you're never going to have a serious conversation via MSN messenger. If it's important, you should be doing it face to face.
I'm regretting writing that in amongst the Britney stuff. When I've got the redesign done(which looks like it might be late next week) I'll probably expand on this whole thing and make it a 'featured post'. Oh, there's another new part of the design that's slipped through.
22 February, 2007 - 16:48Comments (View)
Pontiac - the brand to drive(part two)
My upcoming design is entirely different to what I currently have going on. I mentioned the other day that there are no images in it, apart from those specifically added to individual posts. It has a simple colour scheme, and consists of straight lines up the wazoo.
You may ask, how can this new design get my 'personality' across on the page if it's so simple and 'plain'. Well, I like to think that this current design, with it's rounded corners and odd font and bizzarre silhouette of a tree, represents my stupid, weird and playful side. I've even gone against the norm and put the text on the right side of the page, just to be different. This design is contrarian, and(lets be honest) a little annoying.
The new design, however, represents the ordered side of me. The perfectionist that wants clean countertops in the kitchen and an office with an aeron chair in the spare room. At the moment, with the way my life is headed, I think I could use the ordered side a lot more than the playful, hence the change. When things are back on track, I'm sure I'll switch back to more more fun design.
For now though, I'm looking forward to having a little logic and order in my life.
21 February, 2007 - 16:47Comments (View)
This post brought to you by Pontiac(part one).
Crap, I just accidently made a post consisting entirely of a title. That's a bit of a f*ck up. Still, all it takes is a couple of seconds and an FTP program to fix, so it's not too much fuss. Still, when I finally sort out the move to mysql for this thing, it'll be even easier.
I spend a lot of time working out the code for my websites. Throughout the years(and I have had quite a few websites that I've since deleted out of shame) I've gone from HTML to PHP to CSS and now to MySQL. I've not once relied on a pre-existing system marketed by a corporation to get myself a prescence on the internet.
(For a good year or so I did use a blog system made and maintained by my friend Ian. It was an awesome and powerful tool that still influences my website design and structure today. Ian rocks.)
I have tried to use Blogger once or twice, and even created a LiveJournal account and made a few posts. The thing is, I value the mechanism for delivery as much as the content, and I just can't get psyched about getting my thoughts out there knowing that someone else has made it possible.
I like to be entirely responsible for my website. Apart from the hosting, I do everything here. Admittedly it shows(in the sometimes inefficient coding, the CSS that might not work in IE for all I know), but at least this isn't like a Blogger or LJ blog, with every page looking the same, endless tiny variations on one boring design. I like to think that there's a lot of personality to this page.
20 February, 2007 - 16:46Comments (View)
You must have seen her? Dancing in the sand?
I've been listening to Elton John's "Tiny Dancer" a lot lately, along with Jason Schwartzman's "The West Coast". They both really sum up for me how I'm feeling. I know that's a stupid emo thing to say, but it's true. Listening to those songs triggers certain emotions in me.
Imogen Heap's "Hide and Seek" triggers entirely different, and just as complicated emotions. One person knows what that means, and I don't even know if they read this thing.
I've been doing a re-design of this place, in preparation for the move to the mysql system. I'm not going to give away too much, because it's going to be a couple of weeks before it hits your screens. What I can say is that it's totally different to what I've got going on right now, and that I'm 90% done and have not used a single image yet. I'm moving towards something a lot more simplistic and load-able.
Scarlett Johansson was only 17 when she did 'Lost in Translation'. How annoying is that, huh?
Oh, and Jack is leaving in about 12 hours. In between that he and I will be staying up the whole night when he gets back from work, and may go fly-tipping. Hypothetically, that is.
19 February, 2007 - 16:45Comments (View)
Talking about Jack.
I've never really had many friends. I'm arrogant, smart mouthed, caustic and judgemental. That's tough for a lot of people to take.
Sometimes I'll wake up and have a good day, and instead I'll be self-effacing, funny, witty and kind. On those days I'll usually get friends. Those days don't happen often, though, which is why I can count my friends on one hand.
Jack is probably the best friend I'll ever have in this life. Sorry if you're a friend of mine reading this and I've offended you, but it's true.
Jack and I met when I started at Purbeck in 2001. I managed to ingratiate myself into his group of outcasts, primarily as a friend of Simon Casey and Jenny Gulliford, since we'd known each other in an earlier school.
Jack wasn't nice to me at first. He and Leo were big friends back then, and they would take turns playing tricks on me(Jack's were always clever, Leo's involved hitting me, usually).
On one occasion Jack even put a water balloon down my back in science class and held his hand up against it, waiting a few seconds so that the entire class could hear me beg him not to burst it.
He burst it.
That was probably the first time I saw some humour in that sort of situation. I wasn't crying, like usual. Instead I had trouble keeping myself from urinating, I was laughing so much.
Jack and I started talking more and realised that we were alike in a lot of ways. When Jack wanted to start martial arts, I was the friend he invited along. When he wanted to go to Poole during class for a sandwich, he pulled me aside first. It was awesome.
Jack and I started going on a lot of drives. He had a car, and I had seen little of Dorset, so we made a good team. We stuck mostly to the beaches, but we also occasionally made longer road trips.
One of those times, we started the night at a beach party, decided it was lames, and spent the whole night driving to Falmouth. It was one of the best times of my life. We were joking the whole time, telling stories, quoting tv shows relentlessly. One of the reasons I'm wary of getting a driving licensce of my own is that I know I'll never re-create those times.
On that drive, Jack and I decided to move in together. He was on a gap year, and I was going to uni and staying in private accomodation: it would work great. He could only stay for 6 months before he went to New Zealand, which would be just long enough for me to get used to living away from home. Plus, he would help with the cost of living.
As you can tell from some of the posts I've made here, things have been rough at times. Jack is messy, and has a problem comprehending my personal space issues. He never gets his rent in on time, and has broken a lot of stuff in the flat.
But... when I think about all the times we've just... hung out and watched films on the wall. Or sat on the sofa talking for hours. Or even the time we burnt a god-damn hole in the floor and collapsed and laughed at what morons we were. Wow. I can't remember ever being happier.
Jack accepts me for the ridiculously flawed person I am. For some reason, he's one of the only people who can see me start to move into a mini-nervous breakdown and throw in some quip that has me laughing again. He can make me furious and he can make me feel so happy I forget that my life is slowly falling apart. Jack is one of the reasons I'm still here, I think.
Jack and I stop living together in just over 24 hours. His parents are picking him up on tuesday morning.
I know I'm going to cry for the first time since we had my cat put down. The most amazing, special, entertaining and rollercoaster chapter of my life so far is coming to an end, and I don't think I've ever been so afraid of what comes next.
We have had so much fun together here. A lot of bad times, but so many good times. There are times when I've wanted to scream, and times when I wanted time to stop so that we'd never have to grow up and be adults again.
There are a few days between when Jack leaves and when I also move back to Dorset. I imagine I'll spend those days utterly depressed. When I get back in Dorset I don't doubt Jack and I will be hanging out again straight away. But it's never going to be the same. Unless things go exetremely well for me the next six months, we'll never come home to the same living room again. God, that sucks so much, y'know? It sucks so fucking much.
So, to the one person who 'gets' me more than anyone else ever will:
I love you, man. I love you. And you better not fucking die before I do.
18 February, 2007 - 16:44Comments (View)
Tonight I went out with Jack.
We went to Falmouth, after having cracked open some glow sticks and covering ourselves in shiny liquid. As we walked there the glow wore off and we just looked stained.
We walked around the town for a while, then went into 'Remedies'(yeah, I got in) a club/bar. We hung out upstairs for a while, but I got uncomfortable and we left and went home.
I don't know why I feel uncomfortable in places like that. My better-than-normal hearing is a problem, because the loud music completely swamps me and I have to get by on lip-reading, which can be tough in such a dark place.
Theres also the fact that I feel uncomfortable around people who are drinking. I worry that something is going to go horribly wrong, even though I know nothing will.
Jack was nice about it. He says the evening was more about trying to get me to go out than anything else. He's out tonight to compensate anyway.
And I'm in again, doing the washing up and vacuuming the floor.
17 February, 2007 - 16:43Comments (View)
Urgh, I've been ill.
So I haven't been posting on time. Sorry.
Something occured to me when Jack and I were watching the Star Wars trilogy the other day: I don't really like Star Wars that much.
I mean, it's okay. It's mildly entertaining enough, but I just can't get into it. I love to go to wikipedia and read all the biogs of the expanded universe characters, see what happened to everyone after the films and such, but the main three motion pictures themselves? I have trouble getting through them, to be honest.
The weird part is, I keep buying the box sets. In '97 I made Mum buy me the remastered videos for my birthday. I was only 9 years old, but I knew that I was a geek and that I should own and 'love' these movies.
When the DVD boxset came out last year I rushed out and bought it(admittedly using my employee discount). I got home and watched them all, not really enjoying it, but wanting to be able to say I'd done it. To really prove my 'nerd' credentials.
What is ridiculous is that I don't need to. I have enough 'clever person' hobbies that I don't need to go around telling people that I can quote the entire Battle of Hoth to them backwards or whatever. Yet I still feel like I should.
The cult of geekdom is weird. And a good name for a band/album.
16 February, 2007 - 16:42Comments (View)
Another lonely valentines day.
Which is really no big deal, since I don't think I'm in a place right now where I could be with someone, nor do I much care. The title of this site takes care of most of my objections to being so romanticly alone, anyhow.
I did, of course, send flowers to someone as a mark of courtesy. I don't expect(and I'm not even sure I want) anything to come of it. I just thought it was something I should do.
I also got a call today from my older sister, Cassandra, informing me that she is now engaged to her boyfriend. It turns out that she thought I already knew, since everyone else in the family did. I was a little shocked, but it's awesome news! Although I might have to go to Ireland for the wedding, and we all know how new places scare me...
I still am not feeling well, and have spent much of today in a duvet on the floor watching Star Wars with Jack. Which is awesome.
14 February, 2007 - 16:41Comments (View)
Mika must die.
In other news, I watched the 'Supergirl' movie yesterday whilst Jack was out sarging. Supergirl is a terrible, terrible film that makes close to zero sense. I would advise staying away from it at all costs. Although the lead actress is pretty hot.
I have slowed down in my attempts to move this diary system to mysql, not only due to illness, but also due to the fact that I realised a flaw in my database structure that means I'm going to have to re-enter every post to correct it. Whilst my blog is by no means large, there are 100+ posts, and it takes a while to re-enter them.
I have been toying with the idea of only keeping my posts from 2007 onwards, since the older posts don't paint me in a very good light. Any opinions?
13 February, 2007 - 16:40Comments (View)
Here I am bending the laws of time again.
I'm currently laid out with the cold that Jack kindly forwarded onto me. I am doing more than I usually would, seeing as I would usually be in bed trying to sleep through it. This is probably the first time in my life when I've been forced to get up(and do the ironing, washing up, etc) as opposed to just riding it out.
It turns out that it's not that hard to ignore the ache in my joints just as long as I have something to focus on(like the ironing, which I always enjoy anyway). I'm glad I know this, although it does mean I can no longer lie to myself and get extra time in bed just for being ill.
12 February, 2007 - 16:39Comments (View)
A few thoughts on university.
More specifically, why university didn't work for me.
I was looking at a friend's pictures of her 'university experience' a few minutes ago. Most of them were the typical shots- lounging around late at night with some takeaway, posing in the hall ready to go out, hanging in the communal kitchen with a bottle-strewn table.
I was looking at these pictures, and not seeing a single person I liked. The girls were all dressed in ridiculous outfits more suited to a streetworker than someone seemingly dedicating three years of their life to learning, and the guys were all posturing man-apes, with stubble and spike hair, all wearing the same t-shirt(with obligatory blue jeans).
At some point in the past 30 years, something went very wrong with this country. University stopped being about the knowledge and started being about the experience. The word 'student' is now synonymous with a late-waking, money-scrounging, drugged-up partygoer.
Am I the only person who sees something wrong here?
This is why I left university. Whenever I went to that place, the atmosphere that pervaded the grounds was 'we're all here to have a good time'. I mean, for God's sake, it was easier to get to the bar than the library! This is why I, someone of(this sounds arrogant, but it's true) above average intelligence was made to feel that university was not the place for me. That our education system is in this state is a travesty.
Do I have a solution? Yeah. As soon as I can, I'm leaving this country to go to somewhere where knowlege, and the quest for it, is not treated as a f*cking joke.
It really is hard to convey in keystrokes how angry I am right now.
Grrrr.
11 February, 2007 - 16:38Comments (View)
This is just a filler post.
I can't post much today, since most of my time is being taken up by writing the code to move this blog system to a mysql database, rather than the clumsy text file system I currently have going.
This process has been smooth for the most part, although I had to spend a few hours re-entering every single post in this blog to the database, which was going fine, until I found out that I forget to tell the system what it meant when I hit the enter key.
So now I have to go back through every post in the database and enter "< br />< br />" every time there is a line break. This is boring work, made even worse by the fact that my spotty internet connection means sometimes the data isn't even saved correctly.
Still, I continue, because I know when I'm done it'll be awesome. Comments, permalinks, RSS, the whole lot.
Watch this space. Maybe a new design too. Because I get bored quickly.
10 February, 2007 - 16:38Comments (View)
Howdy partners.
I'm having one of those days where I feel very introspective and sorry for myself. It sucks, but at the same time I like wallowing in my own misery. I'm sure that's not a good trait to have, but I can't choose my own body chemistry.
I was just looking at the myspace page of someone who I've been trying to get over recently. It started as a way for me to look at pictures of them, but then very quickly turned into a list of reasons why we don't work together. One of the main ones being her casual use of the phrase 'late-night chink' as if it's not a racist comment.
Recently, the days when I find myself missing her are consistently outnumbered by the days when I don't even think about her once. Which is cool. I know it'll take time, and I'm cool with that, because I'm starting to see the light at the end of the tunnel.
The plan to cover the burnt spot with 'moving boxes' while the Estate Agents visited yesterday went off without a hitch. They're coming around for another viewing later, but I'm not nearly as worried about this one. Still, I should really phone the carpet guy at some point and get him round to sort this mess out. This whole thing is stressing me out way too much, and I already have enough stress in my life.
I looked at some earlier posts in which I go on about how "I'll never ever drink", which jars slightly with my post from the other day, which detailed my drunken activities with Jack. I realise this makes me look like someone who can't stick to their convictions, which is mostly true. I have the iron-will of a rusted girder. I am the weak link in the chain of sticking-to-my-decisions. I am the master of bad analogies.
Still, the other day has only re-affirmed my belief that alcohol is bad and will only lead to bad things. I swear on my DVD collection that I will not drink again.
Probably.
09 February, 2007 - 16:37Comments (View)
I'd say grapes.
They don't taste as good as a banana or an apple, but there's less of a commitment involved.
Favourite fruits. No one needs to ask the question, it's constantly preying on every civillised person's mind.
Some people go with an orange, but I don't like the idea that when I'm done all I'm gonna have left over is the skin... that's creepy, in my book.
Oh, and, by-the-by, broccoli definitely wins the award for 'most tree-like vegatable'.
There was a brief moment where it looked like either lettuce or cabbage could pull into the lead, but the judges felt that, on reflection, they were more 'bushy' than 'tree-like'.
No one has any idea how the parsnips even got into the audition hall, but they were redirected to the 'thing that most looks like some sort of weird... thing" contest.
And won.
08 February, 2007 - 16:36Comments (View)
Cue laughter.
So about an hour ago I got a delivery of laughing gas that Jack and I ordered yesterday. Short story: it's not that great.
Jack is at work right now, so I took the liberty of trying it myself. After accidently wasting a capsule due to poor screwing technique(ladies...), I managed to successfully fill a bag with the stuff and take a good whiff.
The first try did nothing for me. I didn't feel giddy, dizzy or funny at all. So I tried again, inhaling deeper this time, despite the risks inherent(you could die from not inhaling enough oxygen. In rare cases, but still).
This time, the effects were more apparent. I became dizzy and my fingers went numb. The sound coming from my laptop started echoing and reverbing all over the place, and I started laughing at the weirdness of it all.
This lasted all of a minute, and then things got boring again. I didn't want to waste another cartridge, since we only get five each, so I let the canister be.
I'm sure when Jack gets back we'll have some fun with it, but... meh.
Thumbs down for laughing gas.
07 February, 2007 - 16:35Comments (View)
A quick picture post.
Not much doing until I get my delivery of laughing gas later, so here's a picture of the carpet Jack and I 1)burnt and 2) tried to "fix" by cutting it out of the floor.
07 February, 2007 - 16:35Comments (View)
Well, I'd say things have gone pretty badly.
Jack and I accidently set fire to a patch of the carpet. I won't say how, but a can of deodorant and a lit piece of paper may have been the culprit. I blame alcohol.
We then tried to make the situation better by cutting out the square of carpet and replacing it with extra cuts of the carpet we found in the attic. This did not help, as not only did the extras look newer(obviously) and therefore not match, but we couldn't but a precise piece and the join is fairly obvious.
We have called a Carpet Man, but he is unavailable until the end of next week. Until then I shall try and use my genius-brain to come up with an answer to this problem that doesn't cost me money. I'm having trouble coming up with that answer right now. Again, I blame the alcohol.
We were so close to the end of the tenancy, and I could've blamed all the deposit-related issues on Jack. Then I got drunk. I think this is the universe re-inforcing upon me a very important message - alcohol is bad.
I really don't know what I'm going to do. What is terrifying is that suicide immediately came to mind as a viable option. And it still is. I would get out of all this scot-free. No more worries.
But I want to keep on living. I think.
06 February, 2007 - 16:32Comments (View)
Dear Readers: I am currently drunk. For the first time. Ever.
I've had a few sips of alcohol here and there, but I've never been flat-out inebriated. It's an interesting feeling, but one that also scares me. I'm not quite sure where my fingers are going, and I keep having to correct my spelling.
I am not wearing my glasses right now, which is adding a whole new layer of confusion.
I don't think I'll be doing this again. I'm acting like a bit of an arse-hole, and walking is proving difficult, as it not laughing constantly.
How did I get drunk? Well, Jack revealed that he had a bottle of Jack Daniels hidden in the flat, and we played an American Dad drinking game(drink every time there's a racial slight). After 7 shots, I was hammered, since I've never been drunk before.
We went downstairs to check the mail, and I almost accidentally killed myself. This is not good. I do not like it.
I will not be doing this again.
We did, however, order some laughing gas canisters and a dispenser(sucking it off the tap can freeze your lips to the canister), that should arrive tomorrow. I am looking forward to this, since I live to laugh. It is a legal high, and I look forward to it, since I live to laugh.
I shall not be doing this agian.
06 February, 2007 - 16:31Comments (View)
Awesomeness
Okay, so usually I wouldn't be able to make this post right now. I'm in Cornwall, where I don't have an internet connection(all firms require a 12 month contract, and I'm only here for six), so I have to go up to the university whenever I need an internet connection.
Uni is about a half an hour walk away, so I only go once a day, which can limit my options when I comes to internet browsing, especially when you factor in that I need to take a nap every four hours.
However, as I was writing some stuff down on my laptop earlier, I noticed a new wireless signal appear. It turns out that the sofa shop that has just opened two doors away has been kind enough to let their internet signal drift around with the password "passw". That's fine by me!
So now I am experiencing for the first time the joy of sitting in my sofa and browsing the internet. Fantastic!
Anyway, onto the main event: Alexander.
Alexander is the new addition to the Hayes/Kitching family that I mentioned two days ago. He's a small guy, and doesn't really do much around the house. He seems to prefer staying in his own room.
Alexander is a salamander. Specifically a fire salamander. Jack bought him when I was visiting home, and couldn't stop him. Jack also bought him whilst he was drunk. Because that's the sort of sh*t drunk people do.
I was excited when i first heard about Alex. I mean, lizards are pretty cool in principle - they're like tiny little dinosaurs, man! In person, though, Alex is scary as. Turns out that if he doesn't like you he can squirt poison into your eyes. And not the cool "hey-man-I'm-tripping-off-of-this-toad" poison, no, I'm talking flat-out, this-will-kill-you poison.
I have yet to handle Alex without gloves, and I don't think I will. His foot accidently touched my bare arm earlier and I freaked out and nearly dropped him. His skin is creepy man. And we have to feed him crickets.
Still, he's providing the basis for some hilarious conversations between Jack and I, and it's great to have something else Jack can put on my face to wig me out whilst I'm asleep.
So that's today's lesson - owning a lizard is kind of okay.
03 February, 2007 - 16:30Comments (View)
I tell many varied lies.
I promised an update on the new addition to the Hayes/Kitching family. Sorry, that ain't happening today. But here is something else!
I meet the best people.
Sometimes travelling by train can be a relaxing experience. This is usually the case if you have a direct train, and can just get on, relax for a few hours, and then get off and go about your business.
If you have to make connections, however, things become a little more complicated. For some reason, strangers hardly ever talk to each other on trains(despite the fact that conversation might actually make the journey seem quicker) but as soon as you're stranded on a platform waiting for the next freighter to Iceland, you're fair game for all the crazies.
Case in point: yesterday I was in the waiting area of Exeter St. Davids train station. It was pretty cold outside, and apparently First Great Western's solution to this problem is to build a waiting area entirely out of glass. Yeah, nice going.
So I'm standing there, shivering, when some haggard-looking short blonde guy comes up to me.
"They got shops round here?"
How the f*ck do I know? Then again, major city, so it's probably safe to guess 'yes'.
"How old are you?"
Whoa, this has taken a weird tangent. A second ago we were talking about shops, now we're on to personal details like my age? Movin' a little too fast there buddy. I tell him I'm eighteen, because I want to see where this is going.
"I just tried to get some Carlsberg from the shop 'ere, but I ain't got my ID on me. I'm 18 and everything..."
Yeah. Sure you are. I now know where this is going. He wants me to buy him alcohol, most likely(99% certain, but you never know) because he is underage.
What follows is my usual patter when confronted with this situation. First I outline the fact that I don't drink - never have, never will. They always, always ask why, without fail. Sometimes I fake some excuses, like 'it just doesn't appeal to me', which they decide to counter with trying to make me feel like an idiot for not numbing myself. I think this is due to the fact that people who have a problem with alcohol try to paint everyone else as the 'wrong' ones, so they can feel normal by comparison.
Since I don't want to spend ten minutes arguing with this guy about how I should/shouldn't imbide poison, I deflect his questioning with "My dad's an alcoholic, so..." For most people, this is uncomfortable enough information for them to stop with their train of thought. This guy, bless him, responds with "Yeah. Mine too. So you wouldn't buy me some booze then?"
Um, no.
Still, all is not lost, there are plenty of other people to ask, right? He asks me to watch his bag, and I can't even say 'no' before he's out the door. I spend five minutes hoping I'm not standing next to a bomb, whilst I watch him approach everyone from fellow teenagers to OAPs in his quest for ethanol.
He returns, carrying two cans of Special Brew. No one would buy them for him, so he stole them. I'd take some moral high ground here, except I've stolen in the past, and I've taken things more expensive than 5 worth of the Brew. I'm in no place to judge.
So he's sipping from the cans(yeah, two at once. He's a chain drinker) and starts rapping at me. No lead-up, nothing. The first one is okay, but they get progressively worse. As someone who has studied the dynamics of performance in general, I feel like I should tell him that he should be opening with something okay, then working towards his best piece as a crescendo, whilst gradually trying out his new or on-the-fly stuff as he builds up. Still, I know if I tried to explain this to him, no matter how many times I said "no, no, I don't rap" he would presume I did, and try to get some rhymes out of me.
Anway, at the end of his appalling freestyle, he says(and this is my favourite part of the entire day) "I can't read and write, but I can rap. I was born a poem."
He was born. A poem. Excellent.
He then proceeds to say "you're not a copper are you?" Um, no. Upon double checking that I'm not a member of the Met, he pulls some resin out of his pocket. This guy is carrying weed, while having commited petty theft just a few short(rap-filled) minutes ago. He is no Nobel-winner.
He proceeds to talk about how he just sells, not smokes. Well, except for a few puffs on a bong before he goes to sleep at night. Apparently it's hard to sleep in a care home. Wonderful.
At this point we are separated by the arrival of my train(not a moment too soon), and I have to wave goodbye to this strange young individual. I spend the rest of my trip pondering this man, in many ways a kindred spirit. Wait scratch that. In no way a kindred spirit. Still, for some reason he felt he could open up to me, which is nice.
Plus, now I know a dealer in Cambourne, which'll be handy if ever my personality does a 180-spin.
02 February, 2007 - 16:27Comments (View)
I'll only say this once. This once.
I was planning on returning to Cornwall today, but unfortunately sleep had other plans for me. My head hit the pillow for my 7am nap, and didn't rise again until 6pm.
I remember having a ton of dreams, all of which were awesome, and one of which gave me a new thing for my 'to do' list. You can check it out with the link below.
Today is the first day of a new month, so this post will be the only thing to show up on the front page. I am planning on making it so that ten entries show on the front page at all times, but I think I'll save that functionality(along with comments, permalinks and RSS) until the migration to MySQL takes place.
In the meantime, the archive is still open for those who want to read all thirty-one posts from January 2007. And all my other posts, for that matter.
In a few hours(I'm writing this in the wee small hours of Friday morning) I'll be catching the 0656 train to Southampton, and then embarking on a ton of other connecting trains to get me into Penryn by three in the afternoon. It's a long journey, but I planned it so that I'd avoid the railway blackspots of Upwey, Castle Cary and Dorchesters South & West, where delays are frequent and devastating.
Since I'll be in Penryn for the next twenty-four days, chances are updates here will occur maybe every two days, at best. I will endeavor to go to the Uni library as often as possible, but it's a long, cold trip.
Still, tomorrow promises a fascinating post on an addition to the Hayes/Kitching family. One regular reader knows who this exciting person is, but the rest of you will be in the dark until the next update.
Therefore, night-vision goggles are advised.
01 February, 2007 - 16:26Comments (View)