There are a bunch of Subway coupons that are in my bin.
Because they expired yesterday. I would have used them, but c'mon - who goes for a six inch?
That is all. 'Dead Piro Day' or whatever.
31 January, 2008 - 19:26Comments (View)
Kids of today.
I'm not one to... wait, let's not start this on a lie - I'm totally one to moan about the state of this planet and the people in it. And I'm about to.
Walking to my favourite toasted sandwich shop earlier I came across a group of young boys(and I say young boys because they can't have been over 12) who were for some reason not in school and delighting in the freedom they'd made for themselves.
The 'ringleader', I suppose, was performing his apparent 'party trick' of running into a shop, screaming as loud as he could, then running out again. He did this, while his friends waited outside and smoked, to every store he walked past. No joke.
Words fail, clearly.
At one point, as they were walking down the street, he lept over a push-chair with a child inside. Just vaulted over it like a gymnast at the Olympics, except instead of finishing with a triple-back-handspring or whatever, he pounded his fists into the air and shoved his armpits into the faces of passers-by.
It occurs to me sometimes that a lot has changed since I was a child... and it hasn't even been that long since I was a child!
The one good thing I can take away from this experience is that, despite not feeling too good about myself today, I was clearly passing as a chick okay since I walked behind these kids for a full ten minutes and they seemed to not suspect a thing. I got a couple of glances from them, as every other person on the street did, but certainly not the shouting and possible physical intimidation I imagined in my head once I came upon this group of ruffians, this group of - dare I say it - yobs.
Clearly my position on this is that if it means I get a self-esteem boost, then by all means children should be allowed to physically endanger smaller children in strollers.
30 January, 2008 - 13:34Comments (View)
Here's how not-famous I am
There is a videogame with it's own tourbus. I got nothin'.
29 January, 2008 - 06:59Comments (View)
The Eraser
I need to write something for today's entry quite urgently, but I just woke up after a 'nap' that went from 4-11pm, so I'm a little tired and the pressure is on, time-wise.
Today, my first day as Avery, went fine really. I pass fairly well(meaning a quick glance from a stranger will not be enough to work it out, most of the time) but I'm having trouble voice-wise. I've got a fairly deep voice, and whenever I try and raise it it just sounds ridiculous to me and sounds inconsistent. Still, practice makes perfect.
I'm really quite annoyed I slept so much now. What am I to do all night?
28 January, 2008 - 23:29Comments (View)
Jokes only I find funny.
"Why are the US troops rooting for Obama? Because after years sleeping in the desert, they'll take whatever kinds of Barack they can get."
"Madeleine McCann? More like Madeleine McCan't... find her anywhere."
"I'm often described as a post-feminist... because I'd like to post all the feminists to somewhere very far away."
"BBC One's new slogan - Thanks for the free money, here's the Weakest Link."
"Why is a cat sanctuary easy to burgle? 'Cos it's full of pussies."
"Sarcastibix - Now with barley and wry"
"Police! Camera! Boredom!"
"Pop Idol? More like Pop Idon't... give a fuck."
27 January, 2008 - 20:08Comments (View)
A continuation of the theme, and some quick questions.
Edit - the person I talk about in this post has since been extremely nice about it, so all is forgiven. However, I am leaving the post here for posterity.
I know I said it wouldn't all be about this stuff, but I have just a few things to say in relation to the last post. Obviously it's been a fair while since I put it up - I didn't want to put a new post up until I was sure any important people who go to the front page of this site had seen it.
Today I sent Facebook messages to the people who I know probably don't read this place - the people on my course at Uni. I explained the situation, and gave the link to the last post with the more involved details.
The response was fantastic, for the most part. People were nice, accepting, and jokey. The latter aspect is to be expected on a course like this - and I like to think I can joke about this whole thing, that I can speak about transgender issues with a uncommon honesty and candour.
I had taken a nap after posting the messages to everyone, and waking to find all the responses was lovely. Well, except for one.
I won't name names, because that gets me in trouble. But this person said
I think you know my veiws(sic) on this Kyle. I have nothing more to say on the matter.
The End
Which... wow. Certainly honest, but that hurts a little. I've had a discussion with this person recently about what they perceive to be my 'choice' and I still can't understand why they find it so difficult to process, so... offensive. This person has in all other regards been really cool, but this... I just can't understand.
It just kind of upsets me that me doing what I can to bee happy so rubs this person up the wrong way. It's not like I'm hurting anyone, am I? And it's not like this person is an old, dear friend mourning the 'death' of Kyle. I just can't understand.
So I've got some scathing looks on reserve for monday, in case any "Kyle"s get thrown around. And like I said, the other responses were all overwhelming positive, and funny to boot. Which is awesome.
In other - quick - news, after some tweaking today, I am proud to announce that this is the first design of this website that works as it should in Internet Explorer, making me accessible to those unwilling to make the switch to a better browser. Which can only be a good thing, right?
26 January, 2008 - 23:29Comments (View)
Sorry ... what?
I'm not exactly sure how this post gets written... it's obviously something I need to address, and ASAP, at that. But it's awkward, and a little scary, so bear with me if I stray into the domain of loquaciousness, to use my favourite word.
The regular reader will know that since about October(the first time I've ever lived 'on my own', with a lock on my room an' all that) I've been cross-dressing and coming to terms with the transgender feelings I've had(and hidden from) all my life. I say "coming to terms", because for the most part I am now perfectly at terms with the problem. I know it can be fixed, and I know what needs to be done to fix it.
At this point I should state explicitly for those friends and relatives of mine who read this website and are a little unsure on what I'm talking about.
I have come to identify as a woman in a man's body(as horrible as that phrasing is, it's the best way to get it across in simple terms). I have felt this way for a very long time, and can't run from it anymore.
I have started the long process of getting hormones and (possibly) eventually getting surgery by recently seeing a Doctor in order to get a referral to a psych evaluation. Words really can't describe how long the process really is - and the only way to speed it up is to take initiative.
After I am evaluated(and if they decide I'm not crazy) I'll be asked to perform what's known as a "real life test". This means that I have to live as the woman I want to be for two months before I'm given hormones(I'll explain in another post just how important those are). Oh, and this includes legally changing my name.
If I wait until I am told to do the RLT, I am wasting time, and quite frankly - I don't want to waste anymore fucking time being Kyle. So I'm starting the real life test on monday the 28th of january, 2008. This monday.
I didn't want to be living as a woman and still be posting to KyleHayes.co.uk, so I've switched things around pre-emptively. On sunday I'm probably going to be a big ball of nervous energy, and I didn't think I'd be up to all the coding then.
You're probably wondering about how I chose the new name. I'll start with the last name "Edison", because that's probably causing the most confusion - why the need to change my last name? 3 reasons, really - I've never much liked 'Hayes'(it's my Dad's name, and I don't like him), I thought I might as well go the whole hog(if I'm changing the first, I'm changing the last) and I really like Thomas Edison(I feel he embodies a lot of traits I'd like to have - steadfastness, creativity, intelligence, a relentlessly prolific work ethic and more.)
Which brings us to - "Avery". Not my first choice, but my first choices were all taken by either friends of mine, or siblings of friends of mine. There tends to be a general disliking of MTF(male-to-female) transsexuals as it is, and I didn't want to rub anyone up the wrong way. I compiled a list of unusual names(don't want to be boring) and simply went with what sounded right.
"Avery" is also a unisex name, so for those people who have to interact with me and are made uncomfortable by the transition, it should be a little easier. I like to think of others. Although, they can be as uncomfortable as they like - I will not answer to 'Kyle' and use of masculine pronouns will elicit a glare. Fair warning.
(I also have three new middle names, to replace the old ones, but like the final five Cylons in BSG: Season 3- they're staying secret for a while.)
I think that's everything for now, because I've written quite a lot, as I knew I would. Thanks for supporting me, if you are. I should also say that the website is mostly going to be the same, so don't worry about it getting overrun with posts like this. Oh, and if you use the RSS feed, it might be a good idea to switch to the new one. The old one will still work for another year or so, but... y'know - the spirit of things, folks.
Finally, I want everyone to remember that I'm still the same person - just a lot happier.
25 January, 2008 - 03:58Comments (View)
It seems if you can't trust, you can't be trusted.
I think I have to re-assure some people who read this site who think that I've made a bad choice in life. I have to very simply and categorically say that it's not a decision, an option picked out in an afternoon of boredom. Don't think I had any say in this matter, please.
I always was a unicyclist. I just didn't have a unicycle.
You don't know what you've been missing until you find it. Like a lot of people, I always felt a little hollow - like a part of me wasn't quite complete, like I was going about things slightly wrong. And then I figured it out.
Jenny got given a unicycle for her birthday, and that sparked a tiny little interest in me. I started to try and think of an excuse to borrow it, almost immediately. Finally, a couple of months later in Drama class, we decided my character could do with some crazy habit.
"How about he rides a unicycle everywhere?"
And that was that. Jenny had barely touched it, and was happy to lend it to me for a couple of weeks, as well as the instruction booklet it came with. I started practicing a few minutes later, in the hallway outside the Sixth Form Concourse(the walls were close enough together that I could touch them both to keep my balance.)
I was terrible at first, as everyone is. There's no particular rule for how quickly you learn, everyone has their own pace. My particular pace was that of the tree sloth. That first morning I fell onto my knees dozens of times. I didn't give up, though. Which was different - usually when a physical activity gets the better of me, I stop.
But like I said - I'm a unicyclist.
It was embarrassing practicing in front of other people, so I came up with a way around that - do it late at night. For the next 5 or 6 days I would go out at around 3 in the morning, my iPod loaded up with podcasts, and attempt to cycle down a straight path near my house. I'd go for about 2 or 3 hours at a time.
The first time I rode any considerable distance was amazing - my leg muscles still hadn't quite adapted, and as such balance was still quite tricky, my arms proving vital in keeping my upright. I was picking up speed on the slight slope of the path, and had to say out loud "slow down" before it sunk in and my legs rotated the pedals with less haste. I relaxed and enjoyed the ride(until the inevitable crash, but that's not important.)
There's a freedom that comes with unicycling. Sometimes (when I have a unicycle) I'll go out into city centres on busy days and weave in and out of the people, not focusing on what's going on around me, letting my sub-conscious tell my legs how to move while I enjoy the rush of air and adrenaline.
I hope whoever took my unicycle is getting the same enjoyment from it.
24 January, 2008 - 17:54Comments (View)
From the archives
My first day at university took a long time to happen, relatively. I'd been living in Penryn, Cornwall for a month before my course in Film began. I'd wanted to get out of my Mother's house as fast as possible, and had spent the empty month not really doing much of anything apart from sitting on uncomfortable chairs and watching films on a stolen projector.
I'd chosen Falmouth University because I was in a pinch - I'd spent much of the previous year in a state of mania, ignoring important things like my future. A few days before we had to choose where we were headed I hastily borrowed all my friend's prospectuses, and got to work. I ended up going with the exact same course as Becci Walker, a girl I [redacted].
That first night of Fresher's Week she texted me to tell me she'd moved in and was at a meet 'n' greet in the student union bar, five seconds from her Halls. I got dressed in my best 'student' clothes(ironic t-shirt, jeans, blazer with fake paint stains) and marched on down. I lived in private accommodation and in my empty month hadn't even thought to try and find the campus I would be going to for the next forever. It took me an hour and a half to get there, and along the way I nearly stumbled into a Jehovah's Witnesses meeting. But that's neither here nor there.
I remember staring at the student bar, not knowing what to do. I was half-hidden behind a tree, scared out of my wits by the loud music emanating from the building. I've never been a fan off places where people go to get off their face - a lingering side-effect of my father's pub-crawls which invariably involved me sat next to him in a pram whilst he drank himself silly. We don't talk.
Not only was I scared of the building, and what happened inside it, but the people terrified me as well. They all looked like students, and I could swear I still appeared to be the tiny Sixth Former who got carried around in a suitcase one day for a dare. I hadn't finished growing yet, and was nowhere near my current(and still below-male-average) height. I felt like if I walked into that Bar, I'd get laughed at. Back then, I didn't feel like one of the big boys. With hindsight, it’s easy to see why I was so uncomfortable in my own skin.
I pretended that I would at least give it a go, even went in and hung around for half an hour. But I soon found myself walking home to my flatmate, who greeted me with a smile, and knew I hadn't been brave to try very hard but said nothing of it.
My first day really set the tone for that entire academic year, as I found myself leaving the course three weeks later. Still, that was just a practice run - things are going much better second time around. I think.
23 January, 2008 - 19:47Comments (View)
Going home for the day.
Some pub in Southampton had this delightful 'Christmas' decoration up recently. Wow.
22 January, 2008 - 02:55Comments (View)
A message for Quinto.
I knew it was something. I could taste it in your messages. Vista. You're infected. Hell, for all I know that shit started with you. That's right, I blame you for the worldwide release of a major operating system, by the biggest software company in the world. It is all on your head. And my outrage is potent, and justified, Mister.
21 January, 2008 - 20:45Comments (View)
Thinking very dangerously.
I've got my brain held hostage. There's a tiny little time bomb ticking in my head, and unless I get what I want, there'll be fluid on the walls before the night is done.
I've tried negotiation, bargaining. It doesn't work. I've had to resort to outright threats - extortion, blackmail.
For everyone else it seems to be no problem. Their brains co-operate with them often, on a daily basis even. I'm not quite sure how they do it - I know only that I used to be able to, but I've somehow lost the knack.
So it's come to this. A little C-4, or something. I'm not too sure. The man in the box said that it would do what I wanted, and I had no need for further questions - just handed over my crisp favours and walked away, my eyes twinkling.
Getting hold of the problem was easy. Divisions are easy to come by in these divided times. It had to be division - I'm all too capable of everything else. Fractions, even. I can do fractions. And multiplying comes as easy to me as everyone else. Simple stuff.
Ah, but the division.
I'm too tempted to hit up a calculator for the answer. The sweet relief of a clearly laid out number, a decimal point and some digits. The decimal is important - if the answer was an integer I'd grab it out of the air - I'm not that dumb.
No, this answer leads to an incomplete number. The child in me wants to revert to the 'remainder' system of years 2, 3 and 4. I almost need to scream to myself "NO!". I need to do long-division. I need to, for the first time. That or I explode my head.
I've tried a couple of times now - cursory little jaunts into the territory, a quick look around at the veranda, and then the scribbling of "Argh!" on the page.
This seems to be it then. I'm not managing it. We're not working together, my brain and I. And if we can't co-operate on this, how are we going to manage everything else?
My finger. Is on the button.
20 January, 2008 - 19:10Comments (View)
Almost went a day without updating.
And that is the last that shall be mentioned of my perfect streak so far in 2008.
I'm doing another stand-up gig on monday(nothing exciting, just another assessment shindig) and even though I had all this week to get it done, I've left it until this weekend. It's not that I have a lack of ideas(there's a moleskine beside me full of 'em) it's just that so many are these complicated graphs that take a few while to cook up in Keynote, and it's very boring stuff - especially considering it's comedy.
I gave in to the cravings today and had a single can of coke - my first in three days. I had a massive headache, was crazy tired and couldn't quench my thirst no matter how hard I tried. I felt really bad about drinking it, but I also know that going completely cold turkey is the quickest way of failing. This is more of a two steps forward, one step back kind of deal.
I'm not sure I'm going to be able to make Unicycle Hockey tomorrow, depends on how much the stand-up stuff I get done.
Oh, and my glasses haven't arrived yet. Which. Is. Lame.
This has been a general update.
19 January, 2008 - 23:24Comments (View)
I am so crazy tired today.
But that's not what we're here to talk about. Or the headaches. Or the lack of focus.
Or how incredibly super-cool I am for staying away from caffeine, no matter how badly I want it.
We're not talking about that. We're talking about the Luke Gray Show which now, technically, no longer exists.
Earlier I got an e-mail from the station manager saying that in the re-jig of the schedule for the second semester, some shows had to go. More accurately - one show had to go. The one I am in.
It seems that in order to placate the Student Union, Sin Radio will be broadcasting the Open Mic nights from Top Bar every thursday instead of the Luke Gray Show. And the rest of the schedule is full(except, obviously, for everyday before 9am, and saturday afternoons. and all sunday.) Chock. A. Block.
I can see why it was an easy decision for our show to be the one to go - not many listeners(at least on the night - we still have 300 podcast subscribers), a tendency to break the established Sin Radio rules, and we're first years - second class citizens, practically.
Still, this really fucking hurts. I've had a lot of fun over the past 8 shows, and there were some weeks where we were the best thing on the station. It's also going to be slightly embarrassing knowing that our coursemates(such as The 4 Amigos and Mark Gale) are still presenters and we got ousted. I can't help but feel that there'll be some good-natured digging that will really get to me.
Of course, there are radio studios-a-plenty on campus, and all Luke and I have to do is sit down in one of them for an hour or so a week and we'll have a show again.
Not too hard, hopefully.
18 January, 2008 - 22:39Comments (View)
Welcome to the jungle...
Free coconut with every purchase.
Although we are still a few days away from the 22nd of January, I've already kicked in to "low caffeine mode", staying away from that foul temptress - Coca Cola. In previous years I've attempted to quit cold turkey, just a sudden stop followed by days of withdrawal. This year I plan to succeed, and and gradually decreasing my regular doseage, with days completely free from the foul stuff to test how I'm getting along.
I'm on the completely free day right now, and don't feel any of the usual side effects except for a general feeling of sluggishness, something I'll readily accept in place of the giant headaches I usually receive from the Gods of Jones-ing.
I did receive a big helping hand along the way in the form of a crapload of sherbet(full of sugar, folks) earlier. I went to ShakeAway and ordered a large sherbet milkshake, with extra sherbet. The guy behind the counter clearly felt my enthusiasm for the product and loaded the blender up with no less than six sherbet fountains(sans liquorice).
The resulting drink was delicious, high energy, and fizzy. Which would be why the majority of it frothed up through the lid and spilt everywhere on the journey home.
17 January, 2008 - 19:50Comments (View)
I've just got another letter from the Telly License People
Quick question - I don't do drugs, so should I phone up the police and tell them I don't? My house isn't on fire, so should I call the Fire Dept. and appraise them of the situation? Of course not, but apparently I should call up the TV people and tell them I don't have a television.
And even then they'll still come around and make sure.
I literally cannot understand why we still have a TV License Fee in this country - the BBC has gone to shit, so that's no excuse. They show enough adverts for their own stuff between programs, so they might as well shove in a quick Daz commercial and stop charging people £135 a year for the privilege of having a device that does them, on the whole, nothing but bad.
I'm glad I've got a glass of milk to calm me down, because in these trying times one could very well burst a blood vessel.
16 January, 2008 - 13:34Comments (View)
At this stage, I'm just too powerful.
Admit it, the instant you saw there was a new post up here, you rejoiced like a Southern Baptist Church on Sunday morning. You're hooked. You sit at the computer waiting for your next batch of salty goodness, from my keys to your screen.
At this point in time I could choose to write about my Spidey bed-sheets for 1,000 words and you'd be hooked. I could wax lyrical about the dangers of getting liquid eyeliner in your eye, and although freaked out, you wouldn't be able to turn away.
As the title suggest, nay - proclaims - at this stage, I'm just too powerful.
Be thankful that I'm using my powers for good. by today linking you to 3 awesome YouTube videos.
1 - A strange 'Simpsons' parody that involves Toadfish from Neighbors. Just weird.
2 - One for the Zelda fans.
3 - Michael Showalter talking about Seroquel. His pronounciation is often enough to crack me up. He says one single word in here that should make you burst out laughing. If it doesn't, you're dead inside.
15 January, 2008 - 01:46Comments (View)
How to Play Unicycle Hockey - The Kyle Hayes Way
1 - Stagger around for the first 10 minutes - unsure of yourself since you're used to a bigger unicycle, and you haven't practiced in so long.
2 - Attempt to turn a corner and fall flat on your face.
3 - Repeat step 2 a few times, until earlobes start to hurt.
4 - Accidentally run into the same person again and again, purely by accident. Be sure to make sure you apologise a lot - that totally makes you look less guilty.
5 - Try to block a shot, swing too hard and then hit yourself in the head with your own stick.
6 - Score a lucky goal when everyone else is at the other end. Ironically cheer yourself. Realise no-one 'gets' your humour, and you look like a prick.
7 - Walk home. In the dark. For an hour and a half.
8 - Watch Futurama and decide to play better next time.
14 January, 2008 - 18:02Comments (View)
Testing you mettle, kissing the lipless.
I speak honestly when I say that I really don't feel like going to Unicycle practice today. Whilst I'm not usually a stickler for the normal person's routine, this sunday for some reason feels like it is that odd, lazy day that people speak of so frequently wish hushed voice and reverent tones. I can't quite be arsed to do anything at all - even popping out for the daily subway sandwich proved difficult.
Still, I am aware that for the next week I'll have no classes, and most of my university friends will be out of the country, leaving me not much to do. Clearly, I should grasp every possible activity by the horns, lest I get bored of my own company too quickly.
Admittedly, I know that I'm going to have tons of fun once I get into the swing of things at the unicycle session. The major stumbling block is that the venue is a good couple of miles away, and I don't have my own transport anymore. Granted, I walked 8 miles a day in desert heat this summer - doesn't mean I like it.
And of course, I don't have a unicycle anymore - not since the universe re-gifted it to someone more in need. I've refrained from buying a new one - partly due to funds, partly because I have a 36 inch wheel in Dorset, and partly because I'm not 'over' my old uni.
I know it's not a person, but that doesn't mean I can't miss it. That unicycle was a big part of my life - it was how I got around, everywhere I went. I'm so not ready to put myself out there, get back on the horse with a stranger, as it were.
And of course, I'm still thinking that I'll be traveling around and suddenly spot it one day, stick a stick in the spokes, and reclaim it from whoever took it. It's an unlikely prospect, but one lives in hope.
13 January, 2008 - 12:06Comments (View)
The Kyle Hayes Media mini-Review
Haven't seen as much as I've wanted to in the past few weeks, so only two reviews today.
First up, St. Trinians. Wow, what a bad movie. Entirely predictable, of course, but that's forgivable considering the genre. The main problem with this film is it's stunt casting of models, especially for the bigger parts, which means that most of the performances you see end up being more wooden than Marc Wooten would be if he had an extra 'd' in his name.
There's a fun metaphor.
Aside from the bad performances, the editing leaves a lot to be desired, too. The film will shift too quickly to the next scene without an explanation of what is going on, a side effect of having to cram in the character arcs of so many characters into such a short space of time.
Still, if you're a person attracted to the female members of the human race, you could see this film and life to see another day. Most of the cast is legal(and those who aren't are obvious, so no worries there) and there are several laugh-out-loud moments in the script to keep you entertained whenever the eye candy isn't on screen.
Still, I'd much rather you go to see Dan in Real Life. I'm not going to say anything, because you should just go see it without any pre-conceptions.
Seriously, go see it. Right now. Not Kidding.
Go! Now!
12 January, 2008 - 13:21Comments (View)
There's more where that came from.
11 January, 2008 - 17:13Comments (View)
Gwen Stacy isn't dead, she's only sleeping.
Okay, not to get into too much detail here, but can british shops please accept that, although the UK is approaching an obesity crisis, some of us are still normal size or smaller.
I get that shops, especially those for the fillies, don't like to be seen promoting the horrors of sizes below 6, but I need stuff to wear, damnit!
Still, at least Marks and Sparks still has a children's department. Kidding.
The Luke Gray Show comes back on the air tonight after the Christmas hiatus. Luke is still vacationing, so it looks likely that Ben Wadling will be guest-hosting again. Which means nothing but fun-times.
Oh, crap, I should go talk to the accommodation people. Next year and all that.
A disjointed post such as this is okay after several days of on-the-head stuff, right?
10 January, 2008 - 13:26Comments (View)
Half of you critics can't even stomach [Eminem], let alone stand [Eminem].
So, there's officially nothing on at the movies. Nothing I'd be could see with another person, anyway. I mean, I totally plan on seeing "St. Trinians", "Bee Movie", "Enchanted", "PS. I Love You" and "The Golden Compass", but I don't think anyone I know would want to see them(and the ones that do aren't in town).
(My reasons for seeing those films, incidentally, are because I want to see hot girls, because I like Jerry Seinfeld, because I enjoy inter-textual self-referential Hollywood films, because I'm a big girl, and because Nicole Kidman looks pretty hot in the trailer. As does lady from Casino Royale.)
I'm still not sure if I like seeing films on my own. It certainly fits my general ability to keep myself occupied, but I like the before-and-after chats that seem integral to the movie-going experience. I like being able to bounce my thoughts about the film off of someone else.
Still, I guess that's what the Kyle Hayes Media Review is for, eh?
(Oh, and I would ask someone to see "I am Legend" with me, but I've already seen it. And wasn't too impressed, frankly.)
09 January, 2008 - 13:13Comments (View)
Currently listening :: The guy upstairs practicing electric guitar.
In a bizarre twist of fate, I am really really hungry right now, and for once can even afford to buy food - but it is late and all the shops are shut.
Irony, you are a harsh mistress.
Did you know that you can keep a glass of coke fizzy by covering the top with a dvd so the bubbles don't escape? Nope, neither did I - because it doesn't work.
If you open a pack of maltesers, have a few, then leave them for a while, they will taste different when you get back to them. Which either means that Mars has some dastardly plan to make sure you eat them all at once, or chocolate simply rusts. Or both.
08 January, 2008 - 22:41Comments (View)
A Word A Day - Take Two.
I'm a big fan of self-improvement, and a little step you can take towards make yourself a better person is to learn a new word everyday. So that's what we're gonna do.
Everyday, starting today, I'll post a new word for you to learn, along with examples of how to use that word in a sentence. So what's today's word?
Contraceptive - noun - a device or drug used to prevent a woman becoming pregnant.
Example 1 - Why the hell would I buy a contraceptive? I'll just pull out.
Example 2 - You're pregnant? Man, I should've bought a contraceptive.
Example 3 - That baby just won't shut up. Maybe we could choke it with a sock.
07 January, 2008 - 23:42Comments (View)
Wikipedia or Bust!
Let me break it down for you: I worked at a supermarket over the entire non-denominational winter break, constantly putting off the writing of this essay until a later date, self-assured in my ability to pull things out of the fire at the last minute. I planned to come back to Southampton on the thursday before this was due in, but a badly-planned doctor's appointment and my desire to 'hang out' with my friends one last time meant I instead returned on saturday evening - by which point the library had closed for the weekend, my time was low, and no scholarly sources were within my grasp.
A quick digression - I understand that we were technically in 'holiday time', but to close a University library on the sunday before everyone returns to class(to, presumably, hand in vital work) is irresponsible and smacks of complacency on the part of the University administration. To so strand students such as myself in the oft-mentioned faeces creek without a suitable oar is an irresponsible use of the money I and many others have paid this establishment. That is not an argument to be discussed in depth in this essay, however, hence it is only a digression.
So, we return to our hero(me) in this veritable quagmire - no sources, little time, and almost no motivation. To get this thing done was going to require "something pretty fucking spectacular" (Pegg & Stevenson, 2001, Episode 7). Alas, that has not happened, as you can tell from what you're reading right now. I have jokingly titled this essay 'Wikipedia or Bust!' because I knew it would ruffle some feathers at first glance, although I have not used Wikipedia at all.
Another modest digression - I am a firm, staunch, and other words meaning 'sincere', believer in the power of Wikipedia. "Large groups of people are smarter than an elite few" (Surowiecki, 2004, blurb) and although many academics, threatened by Wikipedia's omnipresence and it's ability to destroy the walls keeping information from the impoverished masses, argue that the whole thing is worthless because "anyone can edit it" (tvFANatic20, 2007, TV.com messageboards), it is in fact this very aspect that makes Wikipedia so much more trustworthy than other sources.
When an English professor writes a paper on 'Lord of the Flies' does he have a group of his peers constantly checking, critiquing and conversing about his ideas, theories and aspersions? No, but on Wikipedia this is exactly what happens - the 'Lord of the Flies' article has pages of discussion by members of the Wiki-community on what should be included, what is important about the novel, dozens of arguments about it's themes and more. Wikipedia is referred to as the "home of the C+ term paper" (Ze Frank, 2004, SXSW Interactive Web Awards), but I truly believe it can help people get As, Firsts and Shiny Gold Stars. Not least because it's done so for me in the past.
I'm nearly done with this "modest digression" (Me, Now, This Essay) but I do want to quickly say that Wikipedia is part of the grand future of learning - a time when knowledge won't be locked up in buildings I have to pay £9000 a year to enter, when degrees will be worthless as facts stream freely from wi-fi to brain cell, when scholars who so prided themselves on their onanistic, circle-jerk referencing systems will be quaint reminders of a horrible past.
(That is, of course, if we make it through the fuel crisis, manage to cool the planet down, somehow save the global economy and dodge a few asteroids as we careen through existence, Godless and alone, frightened and angry, desperate and selfish. You just can't beat the human condition, huh?)
So, clearly, I'm not talking at all about Restoration Comedy/Theatre. I'd apologise for that, but I know for a fact that I'm a fantastic writer, and this might be the most entertaining bunch of words you read all day. So I'm just going to plow through, and make myself chuckle with all these wonderful letters and hope that, whilst "brevity is the soul of wit" (Shakespeare, 1603, Can't check the page right now, but I think we all know it's in Hamlet) loquaciousness is also the instrument of the mini-Holden Caulfield.
I promised on my website that this essay would include "astute political reference[s] to the Simpsons" (Ze Frank, 2006, 8th December Show), but I don't know where I can call someone a "cheese eating surrender monkey" (Keeler & Groening et al., 1995, The PTA Disbands!). I would positively hate to include the phrase in a way that didn't gel with the rest of this strictly-structured piece just to keep to my solemn oath to the 3 or 4 readers I maintain on my homepage, so I shall not make any attempt to do so, other than in this paragraph. And perhaps the next - who knows, we may get lucky.
Originally I did want to talk about how Restoration Comedy influenced Woody Allen's seminal "Annie Hall". The asides, the comfortably rich and work-shy protagonists and the turbulent romance that comprises the film's plot are all elements that fit comfortably in many Restoration period plays and texts.
Another interesting connection between these two seemingly disparate subjects is the fact that when one Googles "annie hall restoration" the first page that comes up is a blog from the City University of New York talking about the poetic styles of the period, written by someone identifying as 'annie hall(sic)' with many interesting points that would go wonderfully in this essay if it had been correctly done, and if weblogs were deemed 'academic'.
What a lovely coincidence.
I had wanted to talk about the introduction of women into the theatre, say something meaningful or inspired about it, because the roles gender plays in the world we live in is currently a major point of interest for me due to gender identity issues I am coming to terms with(as evidenced... everyday, I suppose). The problem with coming up with something insightful is that one must know an awful lot about the subject(which brings us back to my procrastination followed by the library closure). Also, it's hard to say something new about an event that happened hundreds of years ago. A lot of people have talked and written about the subject.
Even if I managed to think of a completely original point, the likelihood that I would agree with it would be tiny. The series of synaptical events that would lead to an inspired, original, sincere and noteworthy comment on the subject would require some kind of miracle. And for my opinion on miracles, we must only turn back a page and re-read the phrase "Godless and alone".
I've just saved this document for the first time, which is quite irresponsible. I know for a fact that if my computer had crashed and I had lost all of this work, I would not have bothered to re-write everything, and simply have handed in air(or something close to it) tomorrow. Like I said - irresponsible, right?
I have saved this document with the ignominious title of "essay.txt". I know what you're thinking - "someone got a dictionary for Christmas, huh?" Well, I received two, thankyouverymuch, but I knew the word 'ignominious' even before I looked it up to check I was using it in the sentence correctly, so there.
We've got about 244 words left, so I suppose I should put the conclusion here. I've never really been good at this bit - always seen it as rather pointless, a quick repetition of everything that came before, except with some faux-intellectual remark at the end(in Sixth Form I was a fan of ending with "And maybe that's the point"(Morris, 1997, Crime)) I was also a fan of parentheses, and still am, apparently.
So - the conclusion. In conclusion, although I am a ridiculously intelligent individual, a lack of discipline and child-like hope that my essay will somehow do itself have ruined my chances of producing a decent, academic piece. Luckily, my teenage sense of nihilism and belief that if this is how things are then this is how things are meant to be have stopped me entirely from caring in the slightest.
Most importantly, for all the fun I have in the 'Key Moments' lectures, and for all the cool stuff I learn about theatre history in them, I didn't come here to learn about how Cromwell's Puritan beliefs ruined theatre for a little while until his death and Charles' return brought about a cultural renaissance. I came here to study comedy. If this essay was titled "Steve Coogan: From Cult Comedy Super-Star to Hollywood Sellout in 6 Easy Steps" I would've been committed to doing a good job. But it wasn't, so I wasn't. And maybe that's the point.
There, that's exactly 1500, not including title. I'm done.
06 January, 2008 - 21:41Comments (View)
Now, in high fidelity!
So I kind of left it a little late on the essay due on monday. It's only 1,500 words, and I know plenty about the subject so it should be no problem. Unfortunately it's meant to be all scholarly, which means references and quotes from published works, which means the University library, which is closed from now until monday. Which won't work, clearly.
Luckily, I'm not too fussed. I've now changed the title of the essay to "Wikipedia or Bust" and the first 7 words are "Let me break it down for you". I'm going to compare restoration comedy to 'Annie Hall', and mention astute political references to the Simpsons.
The phrase "something pretty fucking spectacular" will feature early on and set the tone for the whole piece. It will be fifteen hundred words of carefully crafted pure genius, cleverly disguised as puerile nonsense.
I don't much care that it will be marked as low as possible. I came here to learn comedy, not to learn about theatre from hundreds of years ago and then write about it like it's the most important thing on the planet.
Harvard referencing system, my arse. Where are the jokes?
05 January, 2008 - 19:34Comments (View)
I Wish...
I wish I was smart enough to manage my money better. I wish I was smart enough to memorise Pi to thousands of places. Most of all, I wish I was smart enough to invent my own language. It seems like something clever people do; although never useful(when was the last time you spoke Esperanto?) it is quite the prestige achievement.
I can only make it partway there - modifying the English language to become not something new, but something different. Mainly through my patented adjective/DC noun replacement technique. That's "DC noun" for a reason. All adjectives in my altered English are replaced with the names of characters from the DC universe. It's pretty easy stuff at first - but it can get complicated.
For example, 'That teapot is totally awesome' would become 'That teapot is Superman', because Superman is totally awesome. 'Lois Lane', however, works for 'beautiful' or 'bitch', so you have to pay attention to context.
'Lex Luthor' is the most confusing of all. 'My father is Lex Luthor' could mean you are decribing your Dad as either bald, rich or evil. Or his name could really be Lex Luthor. The system has many flaws.
However, I still maintain that it should become everyday parlance, if only so that the word 'Virgin' could be replaced by 'Jimmy Olsen'.
04 January, 2008 - 17:00Comments (View)
Currently listening :: Avril Lavigne - Sk8er Boi
How many serial killers can you name in 30 seconds? Go ahead, I'll wait.
I imagine that you start off with the obvious ones - Dahmer, Bundy, Jack the Ripper. Then the mind goes a little fuzzy, and you want to ask me questions. What constitutes a serial killer? Is Hitler a serial killer, or a mass murderer? Can we even include Hitler? After all, he couldn't have done anything without the help of his army. Should we only think of lone wolves like Harold Shipman, or can double-teams be counted, like the Moors Murderers?
Why am I asking, anyway? Well, my family is a little serial-killer-obsessed. Mel most of all(beside her bed she has "The Giant Book of Murder" for nighttime reading), but we all have quite an interest. I remember us all gathering around the TV to watch a Dahmer-doc shortly after my 13th birthday. The Sky+ is loaded with procedural crime dramas and the DVD shelf is littered with the likes of Seven, Scream, Zodiac, Fracture, Saw, From Hell and countless others. Murder is a thing in this house, in a good way.
And I want to know if it's the same for other people - so I want to know the average number of serial killers people can name in 30 seconds. This post is a warning - if I come up to you with a clipboard and a stopwatch, be prepared to have your mind go to a dark place for half a minute.
03 January, 2008 - 21:33Comments (View)
Vaginas are a hole lot of fun.
I don't carry a notepad. I figure I should, since I often say or think of funny things and forget them later on. Well, to be more specific, people arond me say or do funny things that I wish to write down and steal. Conversations with Jack, Leo, Tim and Anna are usually goldmines for this type of stuff.
I guess it's good that by not having a notepad I'm not affording myself to steal funny things, because stealing is wrong, and I make a conscious effort to only do original stuff on stage. I'd feel uncomfortable using Jack's "80 billion times". Even though he's not a comedian, and it's just a little joke he does with friends, it's still wrong to take it and present it as my own.
Stealing is wrong, kids.
The irony of me saying that is amusing, considering my position on taking things from large corporations/organisations. Screw it, I'm happy to be a contradiction in terms.
Time for some humourous content, correct? I'll work on that.
02 January, 2008 - 21:03Comments (View)
So this is the New Year...
...An obviously, I feel quite different.
I've heard quite a few people say that 2007 has been a lot like 2006 was, that it all seemed a little samey. For some reason, I would find myself agreeing, even though this year has been really something else from '06.
I dropped out of university, went to America, got engaged(for such a short time), started another university, and came out as trans-gendered. Along the way I met Republican protesters, paid for pornography for the first time, and co-hosted a radio show. And in the little cracks between, I played unicycle hockey, and became very popular amongst German peadophiles on YouTube. And of course, I talked about it all on here.
Looking at all that written down it seems astonishing. You don't notice life happening to you until you sit back, take stock.
2007, for all of it's faults, was the best year of my life so far. And 2008 looks to be even better. I can't wait for it.
01 January, 2008 - 21:46Comments (View)